Okay, truth moment! I have been sitting on this post for well over two months. Not because I didn’t know what to write about, but I just didn’t know how I was going to write it. I had originally thought I would tie it all beautifully together by talking about a show I’ve been obsessed with on Netflix, Parenthood, but I just couldn’t find a way to eloquently pull it off. I’m not very consistent with my posts, primarily because when I write something, I have to REALLY be invested and genuinely real in what I’m writing about; otherwise, I have a very hard time coming up with the words, structure, outline, content, authenticity, etc. and I just wasn’t feeling it with my original concept, when it came to the ‘fluffy stuff’ to start and end my post.

Other bloggers seem to be able to pull posts/content out of thin air, but I haven’t found that creative outlet yet in my writing. On the homepage of the website, Chasity and I talk about our core values for this site and those values coming from a place of H.O.P.E – Honesty, Openness, Purpose and Evolution; for better or for worse we really live by those values, which sometimes makes it a bit more challenging to write, when I don’t feel like I am coming from that space.

This post has been a looming, dark cloud over me for weeks and I’ve been telling myself to “JUST FINISH IT ALREADY.” The last few times I dedicated time to sit and write, I rewrote everything each time; after a couple hours being frustrated and finding myself no farther along, I would give up and be right back where I started. The ideas in my head just weren’t coming out the way I wanted them to, on paper.

However, I just got a new found sense of energy around this post, after finishing a conversation with my son’s dad. I knew the ultimate goal of this post was to provide advice around co-parenting; 1. because I’ve been in this situation for 12 years and 2. (the main reason) is because it has really become a challenge for me the last few months (which seems weird because you would think that by this point, we had this down to a science?!). The conversation wasn’t bad, but ended up with a lot of last minute juggling of my son’s schedule (and ultimately my work schedule), all due to lack of communication.

So I thought I would spend time writing about some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years in co-parenting, to both help others going through it and to remind myself of what I need to continue to focus on for the next couple of years, until Shane is in the next stage of life – which hopefully means off to college and becoming a self-sufficient adult :). I do not claim to be an expert in this area and I know that EVERY co-parenting situation is different. My ‘expertise’ does come from  a degree in Human Development (counseling), spending many years reading books to help me get through and 12 years of co-parenting, most of which has been learned through what they call “trial by fire;” a lot of mistakes, a lot of things I wish were different and a lot of things outside of my control.  I would describe my experience with it like that old game Mine Sweeper; you are just kind of blindly navigating through it and some days you are kicking some serious ass (you get that one square that opens up about 15 other squares), and other times, no matter which way you step, you land on a mine field and life blows up in your face. You try to be strategic, careful and play the game – but life is just like a game; sometimes you win and other times you have to start over.

So if you are new to co-parenting or are in the thick of it, I hope this post helps?! If you take nothing else away, just know that the most important thing is - if you are doing your best that is all that matters!! Everything else will be worked out from there (think that is translatable to all parenting, actually).

Here Are My Top 3 Co-Parenting Tips & Recommendations

Kids First, Always:

Being the reader that I am, right after I knew my marriage was over I got to work reading whatever book I could find on children and divorce. My son as 4 ½ at the time and I’m not sure if it helped or hurt that during the same time, I was also in the middle of completing my degree and was in a course about family dynamics (a lot on family violence) and how we tend to continue the cycles of our childhood into adulthood. I was terrified of screwing Shane up completely, but I also knew the impact (positive and negative) that our childhood plays into our adult years and so wanted to make sure that anything I could do to help him, I did. It broke me that he was so young and that he more than likely would not have memories of being a family, so I wanted to make sure I was sensitive to making the transition something that when he did look back, he looked back with fond memories and not something that was full of pain, sacrifice, hurt, etc.

I think the most IMPORTANT sentence I read, about children going through divorce (they are going through it too), is that they are always missing someone; always having to say good-bye to someone. To this day, that is really the only thing I remember from any of the books I read and it is the one thing that I’ve kept at the top of my parenting, my communication and my ‘relationship’ with his dad. As long as I kept Shane, and what was best for him at the forefront, then I felt I was doing the right thing. By doing so, it meant I kept his feelings above mine and made decisions not based on my emotions (cause Lord knows I’ve had some strong ones over the years), or fears, (read here about how I failed miserably at parenting and letting my fears take over), but on what Shane needed at the moment. If I did that then I was doing the best I could for him.

Recommendations:

-          Be the One: Be the one that drops off/picks up the clothes, back pack, sports gear, etc. even if it’s a hassle and even if you are the only one that does it. Especially if they are younger (if they are driving then make them go get it if they can and at the appropriate age, there is some personal accountability on them to keep track of their stuff). It’s hard enough living between two households, dealing with two sets of rules, values, lifestyles, etc. and trying to keep up with all their stuff isn’t easy. Think about how many times you forget something and you are in one house. I can’t tell you HOW many times I’ve had to be the one to do this (or how many times I bought him something and it ends up at his dad’s house never to be seen again – that’s another story), but I still go out of my way to pick up the things that he needs, because he never asked for any of this and fighting over it with his dad isn’t going to benefit anyone. I do say that there is a caveat to it and being able to set up some boundaries around it, as it can very easily end up in a situation where you can get walked over – but if your kid is really the only one that is going to suffer the consequence, then take that into consideration and how willing you are to draw the line in the sand.

-          Keep it Kid Appropriate: Regardless of how the relationship ended, keep the information and details kid appropriate. Remember, they didn’t ask for any of this and pushing your hurt/pain down to them isn’t fair and it isn’t any of their business; they are going through their own hurt and pain. My situation was tricky to navigate because of how our relationship ended and Shane was somewhat aware of why/how it ended (I’m not sure I’ll really talk about that side of my story in full detail, as I do want to protect Shane and there are other innocent parties involved and once I write it and put it out, it’s out there forever). However, even though he knew certain things I kept any unknown details unknown until the appropriate time (and even to this day he doesn’t know everything). I know sometimes you want to say things so that they “see it through your eyes” but trust me, if there is something they need to discover about someone, they will eventually discover it. This isn’t always the easiest, especially when there is a lot of pain and hurt involved – but if you remember the first and most important rule (kids first), you will succeed at this more often than not. There are ways to teach them about how to treat, respect, love, honor, and communicate, etc. with you and/or others without having to resort to bashing the other party, no matter how they treat you or what they did to you (or in some cases, continue to do to you). You can set up boundaries and rules in your house of what behaviors will/won’t be tolerated as a way to mentor and guide them and I do think you can tell them that someone’s behavior in a situation (either the other parent or anyone for that matter) wasn’t the best way to handle it and provide them with examples of what ‘good’ behavior should have looked like.

Communication, Communication, Communication:

Marsha, Marsha Marsha! If there was one area that I wish was better in my situation, it would be in this area (obviously, as I just mentioned above that it was the thing that made me finish this post). I truly believe it is the most important piece to get right and the easiest to go wrong! The trickiest part of navigating through the communication minefield is that you are only responsible for your part; you can’t change, impact, make the other person do something – so the burden is on you, which can be utterly frustrating if the other party isn’t engaged, committed or shows the same level of respect. This has been my biggest challenge, especially as my son is getting older and important decisions about his future are being made without much communication. However, I stick to the motto “treat others the way you wish to be treated” and I continue to try to operate that way – which doesn’t always do a whole lot in changing my situation, but it has done a lot in conversations with Shane over the years and showing him what it means to “act as I do, not as I say.”

Recommendations:

-          Shared Calendar & Family Email: If I could go back and do one thing differently, I would have set this up from the get go (especially when communication was better). I’ve tried to do it after the fact, but again you can only control your input/actions. One of my biggest struggles has been not being included on team emails, team contact information, teacher communications, etc. So having a system where external and internal communications are all in one place, can really reduce some of the frustration that goes along with co-parenting. Both parents are in the loop about activities, school, etc. and both sides can plan, schedule and communicate accordingly.

[Pictures: Proud mom at one of his games (was at the wrong field for the first one because I wasn't on the email), taking him driving the day he got his permit & celebrating such a milestone, having 'movie' night together (and spending time with his phone) before he took off for college tours and prospect camps.]

-          Get it in writing: If you don’t have a shared system and you find yourself struggling to communicate and/or stay on the same page with your ex, try to get agreements, dates, information, schedule changes, etc. in writing. Doesn’t have to be hostile, but it will make life easier, especially to avoid any ‘he said – she said’ conversations (aka: arguments). If you had a verbal conversation about something relating to you kid(s), send a quick email to confirm that you got the details correct. My ex and I never went to court for our divorce, custody, etc. and have been able to work through (mostly) everything together, but I do rely on email as my primary point of communication, when it comes to our son. It helps to keep us both accountable and I refer back to as a reference.

-          Cell phone: I ended up getting Shane a cell phone when he was either at the end of elementary school or the beginning of middle school, because it was getting challenging to communicate with him when he was at his dad’s. Before I say why it was helpful, let me first caution about this for two reasons; 1. If you can hold off on getting your kid a phone – do it! While it helped improve communication, it also came with A LOT of downsides and if I could do it all over again, I would have waited much longer to get him a phone. 2. Just because they have a phone, doesn’t necessarily mean that the other parent won’t come in between that if they are already coming in between communication. Getting him a phone did help me to be able to communicate directly with Shane, without having to go through anyone else and now that he is a teenager, it is essential. A lot of the communication that I relied on from his dad, I can now just go directly to Shane about. It’s helped to streamline our communication and alleviates some frustration in having to go through a third party. I definitely encourage this as an option, but only one in which you spend time to evaluate if it benefits the situation, more than harms it. Also, the purpose of getting the phone wasn't so that I could call Shane all day, every day. I do try to respect his time at his dad's house and understand that when he is there, he is adjusting to the flow of that household. Most of my communication with him is usually over a text message (he isn't a big talker anyways), just to say good morning, have a good day at school, check in on his schedule, etc.. It is never to disrupt or to overtake his time with his dad (remember, they are already juggling a lot and missing people). He deserves to have quality time with his dad and time to feel at home while he is there. 

Missed Moments:

Of all the emotions & sense of loss I went through over the years and in the beginning of my divorce, this is the one that I was the most devastated about; missing moments of my son’s life because of joint custody. It is still the one, to this day, that I struggle with the most. Losing my parents at such a young age; spending my teenage years without their guidance and going through monumental moments without them (having a baby, getting married, graduating college, etc.) – I wanted to be there for as many moments as I could, as my son traveled through his life; I wanted him to know that I was there for him and I wanted to be there as a way to honor my parents who missed out on our lives. It’s weird because I never really ever thought about being a mom and never wanted any more children, but when it came to being Shane’s mom – I took (take)that role very seriously and was honestly crushed that parts of that role were taken from me. I hated that I was going to miss seeing him wake up on Christmas mornings and his birthday’s, that I would miss out on ‘firsts’, that I didn’t get to tuck him into bed every night . . . . . . I wish that I could say that it’s gotten better after 12 years, but truth is – as a parent/mom I don’t think it ever gets easier and it’s actually a current pain point right now for me, as I’ve missed out on the opportunities to take him on his first college tours, him passing his permit test and other big moments. I also think that the fact that in just two years he will be off on his own makes it a little harder to know I’m missing out on these moments because in a blink of an eye, I won’t even have him 50% of the time. Ugh! :(

Recommendations:

-          Create your own moments: It took some time to get used to doing things on my own, after my divorce, but I was determined to create the best life possible for us and so that is what I did. More so when Shane was younger (he doesn’t like hanging out with me all that much lately :)), I took advantage of the moments that we were together and created our own moments/memories/traditions. One of my favorites was every Friday night, we would have movie night (back then that included having to go to Blockbusters to get a movie); I would order pizza and get lots of snack, make a bed on the floor of our living room and we would spend the evening watching a movie, pigging out on food and spending time together (every once in a while I try to recreate this, just for old time sakes – he usually starts on the couch and then will end up on the ‘bed’ - the picture above was the most recent one). If you find yourself in a co-parenting situation and having a hard time missing out on moments, the only thing you can really do is to make the best out of the moments you have with them – so if that means you don’t get to see them wake up on Christmas morning, then create a fun, memorable and new moment celebrating Christmas night together. I can’t tell you enough, especially if you have younger kids, how QUICKLY they grow up and before you know it you are going to be missing out on a lot of moments because they are going to be adults and living out their best life – so try not to dwell too much on the things you are missing out on and spend your time and energy on making the moments you do have together something that they will look back on and not feel like they ever missed out on anything.

[Pictures: Recreating our old tradition of 'movie night,' creating memories together (and with my family) last Summer in Minnesota, sharing the love of snowboarding together (now you know why I say to hold off on the phone in looking at these pictures, it's in his hand in almost every one)]

 -          Celebrate their “firsts:” #truthmoment – if you find yourself in a co-parenting situation, you are going to miss some of their first’s; it sucks, maybe it isn’t fair – but it’s just a part of it. Similar to what I wrote about in creating you own moments, try not to focus too much on not being there and instead, celebrate with them when you see them. Shane has complained very little over the years about having to live in two households; maybe it’s because we’ve tried to do a good job, maybe it’s because he isn’t much of a ‘sharer of feelings, maybe it’s because this is really all he’s ever known (??) but in the few times that he’s expressed frustration about it, I try to remind him that there are positives to it as well. He gets to have two birthdays, two Christmas’s, more people to love him, etc. I always try to celebrate his firsts or big moments with him when I see him, even if I didn’t get to be there with him. Just because you weren’t there, doesn’t mean you get to miss out on the celebration. :) Also, remember that you will also have some of the firsts with them (picture above is me getting to share snowboarding with him, first and being able to do something together that we both enjoy) and that your relationship with them will be different then it is with their other parent. Celebrate what you have and celebrate as much and as often as you can. How much more fun is it for them that they get to be celebrated twice, rather than feeling guilty or bad by our hurt feelings that we weren’t there?!

So as I close this post I remind you that saying “the grass isn’t greener on the other side, its greenest where you water it” and this couldn’t be truer when it comes to co-parenting. First, parenting is just hard (whether you are in one household or two households) – so whatever your situation is, just know that the only thing you can control is what is directly in front of you. If you worry about making whatever patch of grass you have, the best, then you and your kid(s) will come out winning. Being a single parent is not what I thought I was signing up for, but I wouldn’t change any of it – because at the end of the day, what I signed up for was to be Shane’s mom and to be the best mom possible and that is what I get to do. I can’t control anything (or anyone) outside of the type of mom I am, the type of example I set and how I take advantage of the moments I have with Shane. Because truth be told, I am blessed and grateful for even the 50% time that I’ve gotten to share with him for the past 12 years (he turns 17 in exactly a week from now-eek), as that is a lot more than my parents got to spend with me.

If you are in a co-parenting situation, I pray that this post brought you some hope and things that you can incorporate into your life – and if nothing else, I pray that just knowing  you aren’t alone, that you are doing your best and that there is a light in all of this brings you peace, comfort and sanity. You won't do it right all of the time, but if your wins out number your losses, then you came out ahead. 

We become parents to give our kids a better life then we had and to have someone to love – and none of that changes just because you find yourself doing it alone (single parents), kind-of doing it with someone else (co-parenting :)), or with someone.

<3,

Kristin