Living in the ‘Hood’
Boy, has it been a challenging couple of weeks in my house!!! We are in definitely in a new season of life and I have a feeling that this season is going to last for some time (sigh).
Growing up most of my life in So. California, preparing for extreme seasons is not something I’ve had to worry about, prepare for or even give a second thought to. Literally, the most prepared I am for ‘seasons’ is by owning a pair of rain boots, which I haven’t even worn (not even in this crazy rainy season we have had). So to say I am under prepared for this season of my life is a bit of an understatement. I’ve got some major planning, preparation and new skills to tackle.
I want to use this week’s post to shed some light into the last few weeks in my household; into an area that hasn’t been filtered through an app on my phone to make it look prettier– because I have a really good hunch that there are other people going through this same season, that will benefit from just knowing they aren’t alone.
I think being vulnerable and open about our hardships, challenges, and struggles is sooo critical in this day and age. We live in a world now where we have free access to compare our lives to millions of other lives on a daily basis. Keeping up with Jones’s has a new meaning these days – it’s really more like Keeping up with the Kardashian’s. We get to see small glimpses into people’s lives – but really, how much of their life are we really seeing? We get to see only what they want to show us. So here is some full access into the good, the bad and the ugly of my life.
“Motherhood: The toughest hood you’ll ever go through!”
Unlike some of my friends, who seem to have these ‘unicorn’ teenagers (as I like to call them), my son is a very strong-willed, path of least resistance child. Every day seems like a battle of wills in our house.
I recently had him take a strength finders test for kids to see what his strengths were and they came back as: Competition, Confidence and Presence (he likes to be the best, he knows he’s the best, and likes to tell everyone he’s the best- essentially). All qualities that I KNOW will serve him well in life if he uses them to the best of his abilities. I have always told him he would make a great lawyer. To put into perspective our personalities, my strengths are: Empathy, Learner, Relator, Discipline and Developer (I like to bring people together, talk about our feelings and love a good routine). Which probably explains why we butt heads so much; we are completely opposite.
Up until our latest fight, I’ve thought our biggest struggle has been because of our personalities and thus, have focused my time in CHANGING him. I wasn’t shocked by his strengths results; I had just never looked at them as strengths (more of areas of challenge). If I could just get him to be more compassionate, more disciplined, more studious – then all would be great in our lives and we could live happily ever after. After our epic battle the other week I realized that the biggest problem right now isn’t him, it’s me!
I’m going to share a story that does not make me proud as a mother, but think it’s worthy to share.
Once upon a time, there was a mother and a son. JK.
It all started two weeks ago when Shane asked if he could go to the school dance (the dance was that night) and if I could go out of my way to drop off $20.00 so he could buy a ticket. We went back and forth on it because he currently has 4 C’s (which of course will “all be A’s in a couple of weeks”) and the last dance I gave him money for, he took the money and never bought a ticket (which I didn’t find out about until 2 days before the dance). We decided to make a deal (which is 99.9% of our conversations – everything with him is up for negotiation and he is relentless in his tactics. Maybe he would make a good hostage negotiator also?!). The deal was, I would let him go to the dance - BUT – he had to read the book ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers’ by the end of the weekend. Without arguing, without me reminding him, without fighting about it.
Good. Great. Deal was made. We both are getting what we want.
Wish that was the end of the story. He went to the dance Friday night and Saturday morning, when I got home from the gym, he told me he had read the entire book (in one hour). PLEASE!! I never know if I should be insulted or laugh at how dumb teenagers think parents are?!
Fast forward a few hours – we were in a full blown war in our house. Threats of leaving & going to his dad’s, to which I responded “you are welcome to walk there but you aren’t leaving the house with anything I’ve paid for” (phone, clothes, shoes, etc.). He was upset; frustrated to the point of tears. I was upset; frustrated to the point of just not giving a flying hoot if he left and didn’t come back.
The final blow came when he was on the phone with his dad and I overheard him tell him how he at least respected his step-mom because “she has at least accomplished something in life.” When I tell you that I lost my marbles at this comment, that still doesn't accurately describe how upset and mad I was. I took the phone from him, and hung it up, and then told my son “F#$& you, Shane."
Words that I will forever regret! I walked out of his room completely defeated, embarrassed and ashamed.
It was after I left his room that I realized, I am not frustrated at his behaviors – I am FEARFUL of his behaviors. Afraid of the behaviors that remind me of someone that hurt me – afraid of him not having the qualities and character that someone else wasn’t able to give to me (and left behind a deep scar). I reacted to him because the words he said were exact words that have been used against me, as reasoning for poor actions and insult. Not that he was right in saying it (and he knew it would hurt me), but my reaction and my words were not of me, or of God. They weren’t even words meant for Shane, but rather to the person who first hurt me with those words.
How could I try to hold Shane accountable to having a kind, loving, gracious heart – when I did not display the same behaviors? And in plain honesty usually don’t when he pushes ALL of my buttons to the point where he eventually pushes the last and final button (that last one is usually the nuclear button). I realized fully in that moment that I am not trying to parent Shane to evolve into the best person God created HIM to be. I am trying to parent him into NOT being a person I am afraid he will become. I have always told myself, and others, that you ‘create what you fear’ – meaning that when you live in a state of fear, you are consciously and subconsciously making decisions and displaying behaviors that will create the very thing you are trying to avoid. Your actions are driven by what you believe and focus on the most.
I know as parents we all have our moments of ‘enough’ – moments that we aren’t necessarily proud of. Those moments seem to grow more as our kids continue to grow and enter into being teenagers. It can definitely be a challenge. It’s hard to remember that this season is a necessary season for them, to evolve and break the chains between child & parent. I mean, our whole goal as a parent is to raise our kids so that they can become self-sufficient, INDEPENDENT, human beings (who are hopefully great and wonderful human beings). I don’t know about any other parent, but I’m not sure I would be willing to break the chains – if our kids didn’t go through this period of life? It’s almost like they are taking the burden of being pain’s in the asses because they know we wouldn’t be able to let them go if they weren’t.
Although, I have another challenge to overcome during this season – more than just the challenge of raising a teenager. New tools I need to learn. I have to learn to let go of my past, so that Shane can look forward to his future! I can’t parent him in fear, rather I need to accept that he is his own person, with his own strengths (and his own flaws). Instead, I need to spend my time learning how to accept some of those qualities, but more importantly how to nurture those qualities so that his strength of competition doesn’t turn into selfishness. His strength of confidence doesn’t turn into cockiness. His strength of presence doesn’t turn into self-centeredness. ALL of our strengths are our greatest weaknesses if we don’t use them in the right capacity. My strength of being empathetic often leads me to carrying the weight of other people’s problems, dragging me down, and draining my energy; leaving nothing of value to give back to myself or my family.
No one is perfect! I am not a perfect parent. Shane is not a perfect child. But I am learning that I am the perfect parent for Shane and Shane is the perfect child for me. God doesn’t do anything by mistake or accident. There is a reason we are in each other’s lives. Maybe the reason I was chosen to be his mom is to teach him empathy, compassion and grace? And maybe the reason he was chosen to be my son is to teach me to let go of fear?
I don’t expect this little revelation I’ve had to solve our issues. He’s a teenager for goodness sake and I have about 34 years of things to work through. But at least I can parent a little more mindfully? I can watch out for the red flags and triggers, so that we don’t end up in the same spot we were a couple weeks ago. We have about 3.5 years left together, before he goes off into this big giant world and sets off to discover who he was destined to become. I don’t want these years to be miserable, for him or I. And given that I can only control my behavior and my actions, it’s silly for me to think that I don’t have to evolve as a parent to this now teenage, strong-willed, path of least resistance child of mine.
Parenting is some ‘gansta’ shit! It is definitely the toughest hood I’ve gone through. But I wouldn’t take it back for anything. Shane might not know it ,but he is the GREATEST THING I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE!
To all my parents out there (of teenagers, strong-willed children) – my heart is extended to you. We aren’t in this alone! A piece of advice I encourage you to explore, as I explore as well is – instead of trying to fight who they are, see what lessons God is trying to teach you through your child(ren). You might just be surprised.
<3 Kristin
