Sweet Sorrow: Battles and Breakthroughs

March 24, 2017 by Butterfly Lives in Hardship

OK you guys – I am having the worst travel karma this year!! Not sure what is going on but it’s been brutal. Could have something to do with the fact that all of my flights have been on United?! Not blaming them (well, kind of am), just saying they are the common denominator. I am sitting at the airport, going on my 2nd delay of the day; what was originally supposed to be a 5 hour travel day is now turning into another 12 hour travel day. Sigh!

Battle: Airports! Breakthroughs: Time to write my blog post!

I was originally thinking I was going to write the next ‘mini-series’ of Sweet Sorrow on betrayal, but honestly, I just wasn’t really feeling it. Now that I have 3 additional hours to really think/type this out, I realized that writing on betrayal would be forced and not authentic. While I have lots to say about the topic, it just isn’t the time. So as I sit here in my ultra-comfortable airport seat, staring at my computer screen and eating my gluten free crackers (doing a cleanse! Traveling is that much more painful when you can’t eat much of anything), I decided that it is time to wrap up this series for a bit and end it with battles and breakthroughs.

I wanted to write around this topic of Sweet Sorrow, as a way to illustrate that life can just downright suck sometimes (or sometimes a lot of time). The journey can be tiresome, burdensome, difficult, etc. And no one is immune to it! We all have chapters in our lives that are full of battles, and other chapters that are full of breakthroughs. Life is about balancing both and trying to find the breakthroughs during the battles.; trying to find the sweetness in the sorrow.

I’m not a people person in the sense that I like being around a lot of people all of the time; I am a people person in the sense that I like getting to know people on a much more intimate, quiet, deeper level. The reason for that is because 1. I shut down in large groups and have sensory overload and 2. I love learning about people’s stories and their journeys. We all have one! A story as unique to us as our fingerprints! And more often than not, what draws people into our stories - or what we relate to the most with other people's stories - are their battles, The trials and triumph they went through, most of the time never aware on the surface of what people have gone through in their life.

So what do we do with the cards that are dealt to us? What do we do in moments of hardship, sorrow, betrayal? What I am learning is that we pay attention during the moments we are in battle, that we hunker down for the storm and stay calm. Alternatively, during the moments of breakthroughs we learn to be thankful, to take time to stop and appreciate the moment and to use the breakthrough moments to get us through the battles.

Just some of the flowers along the freeway on my way home from work

I am reminded of this daily right now as I drive around So. Cal. This season has been a wet one! We have had so much rain, all of which has been desperately needed. While traffic has been a nightmare (the stereotypes are true, we can’t drive in the rain), the brightside is that I can now take a shower longer than 3 minutes and not worry that my water company is going to send me a fine for using too much water! The rain has brought some battles of its own; leaking roofs, flooded roads, potholes (EVERYWHERE), etc. But it has also brought life and growth! It looks like Kuaui or Scotland; the hills are so green and dancing with artistic displays of wildflowers everywhere. It has been a few years since mother earth has had some relief and able to show off its beauty. While we have been enjoying years of sunshine and near perfect temperatures, the ground has been hunkering down, trying to get through these seasons of no rain.

It is no secret that there are no flowers without RAIN and SUNSHINE. They need both to grow and evolve into the perfect creations they were destined to become. Our lives are the same. We need the battles and breakthroughs to become the people we are destined to become. But it takes ownership, recognition, stillness, and fortitude to grow into our most authentic self. It takes the ability to be able to learn the lessons during the battles, and to appreciate and rejoice in the breakthroughs. We have to be willing to walk through the difficult times with an open mind, an open heart and open arms – and we have to be purposeful to walk through the happy times with a thoughtful mind, a giving heart, and embracing arms. When we can learn to look at the moments that challenge us, bring us to our knees, or sometimes downright break us – as moments that can be used to help ourselves and others – then it makes seeing the light at the end of the tunnel a little easier.

That is what I have wanted to get across around this topic of sweet sorrow. To try to remember to rejoice in the trials and tribulations of life! It’s those moments, the moments we are getting flooded with rain that will allow us to blossom and bloom in the sunshine. It isn’t easy, this I know. I still struggle with remembering to find the positive in every day battles; so much so that I have a daily gratitude journal I write in every night before going to bed. To help me to find three things a day that I am grateful for, to help train my thoughts to search for the breakthroughs and not just focus on the battles. Sometimes I could write 100 things I’m thankful for, other times the only thing I can come up with is being thankful for my bed.

Sweet sorrow is about remembering to be joyful in the midst of sorrow. It’s a choice how we see the rain. We can choose to see nothing but cold, wet, dreariness – or we can choose to remember that the sun is just on the other side of the clouds, waiting to use the rain to transform us into something amazing. Each of our battles different and unique; just as each of us is as different and unique as all the flowers on this earth.

http://strangesounds.org/2017/03/38california-desert-super-bloom-california-2017-pictures.html

To each of you, I hope that these posts have been able to resonate on some level with you and your life?! That is my purpose, to use my story and my journey to help others along their journey. Life can be freaking difficult, but don’t be defeated. We are in this together!

Wish me luck on the rest of my journey! If my flight is delayed again my next post is going to be about how full of crap I was in saying that we should try to find the good in everything. LOL!

<3,

Kristin

Sweet Sorrow: Loss

February 21, 2017 by Butterfly Lives in Loss

This isn't going to be an easy post for me and have kind of been avoiding it the past week! Not sure how eloquent this is going to come out (through my tears), but here it goes.

When I wrote my last post, I brought up how this concept of Sweet Sorrow has been weighing on my heart, and that there were so many layers around it that I wanted to write about. Last time, I touched on going through hardship and how when we find ourselves in the midst of it we have two ways of looking at it; either focusing on all of the negative, or shifting our focus onto the positive. It isn’t always easy though, to see the positive when you are buried underneath it all, but if you continue to search for it, it will show up in unexpected places (like dog sledding).

Today, my post is about Sweet Sorrow, as it relates to loss. It's probably the real reason that this topic of having joy in the midst of sorrow has been weighing on me this month. February for me is a not only a celebration of love (Galantine’s Day :), Valentine’s Day, and my anniversary), but also loss. Last week, on February 15th, it was the 3 year anniversary of my (ex) Mother-in-Law's passing. She unfortunately lost her battle to lung cancer after a long, hard, courageous 17 month fight. I write in context that she was my (ex) Mother-in-law, but she was so much more than that to me. She was my ‘second mother’ and she gave me a second family. Having lost both of my parents before I was 13 (my mother to brain cancer and my father to esophageal cancer), the blessing of being able to have two sets of parents will forever be something I treasure. Not many people even get the chance to have one, let alone two.

I met my second mom in high school, when her son and I started dating, and it was an instant connection and relationship. For almost 20 years, she embraced and took on the role of being my mom, the mother that I lost at such a tender age. Even after her son and I divorced, she didn't skip a beat in our relationship. There was never a moment that she treated me as anything other than her daughter, and family. It may have made for a few awkward holiday meals the first couple of years after the divorce, but it worked itself out. :)

She was the first person that SHOWED me what it meant to love someone. After my parents passed, there were a lot of people in my life that TOLD me they loved me – but then betrayed me and delivered empty promises. She wasn't someone who said 'I love you' (which drove me crazy when I first met her), but she was someone who silently, and selflessly, would do anything for the ones she treasured the most. It wasn't until my son was born that I heard her say “I love you” to him. They had a special bond, (one that transcended beyond just grandmother/grandson) and it wasn't until my wedding day that she officially told me -- but by that time, I didn't need to hear it because I had felt it from her long before.

Since the time she entered my life, she was my rock! She was the one that taught me what it meant to be a mother. That mother's don't quit! That we travel to the ends of the earth to take care of, protect, and love our children. I remember right after I had my son, she insisted that not take a break from college (I literally was in class a week after I gave birth because she wouldn't let me take a semester off; afraid I wouldn't go back). She would get up at 3:30/4:00a every day, drive almost 2 hours to work, work an 8 hour day, drive 2 hours home, and then watch my son during the evenings so that I could go to class. Everything that I have accomplished to this day is because of her. She showed me what it meant to 'put on my big girl panties' and do what was needed to take care of my family; she was a true example of what it meant to work hard. It was never lost on me, not even in high school, how fortunate I was to have her (and my father-in-law) in my life, and there wasn't one moment that I took it for granted and always tried to make sure that she not only knew it, but one day would pay her back for it.

Nothing made her happier than being a grandma!

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually be able to give to her what she had given to me (and my son) and I definitely didn’t think that when I finally got the opportunity – it would be during her last month’s alive. Having gone through the loss of my parents already, and not physically or mentally being present during my parents’ passing’s – I knew that I not only wanted to be there for her, but that my journey had prepared me to be there for her (and the rest of the family).

One of the other gifts I was able to give to her -- taking her to Club 33 in Disneyland.

When the tides had shifted in her health, and we knew that her fight was over, I was by her side any/every moment that I could. Driving back and forth to work, working from the house, taking time off, taking turns sleeping in the room with her; whatever needed to be done. The irony of our role reversal was never lost upon me; where she used to be the one working all day to help take care of her family and now I got to take her cross and carry her weight, so that she could be taken care of when she needed it the most. To say that it was the hardest two months of my life is probably an understatement, BUT I can say they are the most special, memorable, and treasured two months of my life. It was during these two months that she gave me the most precious gift of all, and will forever be my most favorite moment with her. I remember one evening, I was sitting with her in the living room, holding her hand and whispered “I love you” and she quietly whispered back “I love you too sweetheart.” It wasn't what she said, it was the fact that she knew it was me and that she was present in that moment. Due to the cancer taking over her body (and brain), she was in and out of being cognizant - but at that moment, she knew it was me and together we got to be just mother and daughter.

My final act of service, gratitude, and love came in her final breaths. The house was quiet; my sister and I were the only ones there at the time. Thank God my sister was there, as she was able to recognize the signs, which ensured that we were by her side and she didn’t leave this earth alone. As much as I was praying that these weren't her last moments; trembling, shaking, and immensely terrified - God gave me the strength to be able to comfort her, and reassure her that she didn't have to fight any longer. She knew that I was there, and she knew that up until her last breath (and for eternity) that I loved her. It's not how I would have chosen to give back to her, to repay her for everything she had done for me, but I am so blessed that God gave me that opportunity to finally SHOW her what she meant to me.

It never gets easy! Loss/death/cancer is something that I have been deeply connected to, almost my entire life ,and yet - it never ceases to take my breath away when I go through it with someone I love. For anyone, everyone, who has experienced a loss - you know that for every loved one that you lose, they take a piece of you with them. The hole that is left doesn't go away, it just changes with time. At first the wound is open, raw, bleeding, but as the body is perfectly designed to do, the wound heals and leaves behind a scar. Sometimes that scar is sensitive to the touch, or sometimes the scar is reopened, and sometimes it is just there to remind you of your loved one. Just like with hardship, and having a choice at how we look at our situations - experiencing loss we have the same choice in how to look at our scars. We can look at them with sadness and remember all of the pain and hurt we experienced - OR - we can look at them as badges of honor and the cost we paid to love someone!

The unfortunate thing about life is that death is the only thing we are certain of. However, even in that certainty - it still takes us all by surprise and carries with it a great burden. Life isn't meant to be easy, or without loss - but we can find the sweet sorrow through it when we can focus on the moments of joy, love, and memories that we shared with our loved ones. As much as I miss both of my moms (and my dad), I don't think I would change anything about my life - because through their deaths I have been able to love greatly and deeply. I am able to understand the meaning of love, because I have experienced the great sense of loss.

To anyone out there who has lost someone they loved, or is in the process of losing someone they love, this post is for you. My hope is that you too can find sweet sorrow in your pain and that you can look at your scars knowing that you loved deeply and wear those badges proudly. I hope that this post, my journey, is able to help someone who is struggling right now with being able to see the joy in the midst of your pain. It takes time, it's a process -- but know that you aren't alone and that it will get better (not easier, just different and better). Don't be afraid to love because you are afraid to lose.

This post is dedicated and in memory of my second mom & the best grandmother in the world. How blessed I am to have had you!! I think of you each and every day and know that you are with us -- especially at all of Shane's games, cheering him on and always his #1 fan. We miss you terribly!!!

My deepest love & admiration for all of you,

<3 Kristin

Sweet Sorrow: Hardship

February 04, 2017 by Butterfly Lives in Hardship

Wasn't exactly sure what to write, or how to craft this post, but I knew I wanted to write around this topic of sweet sorrow. It was something that came up in my bible study and was just really weighing on my heart.

So I am going to kind of do a mini-series on this notion of sweet sorrow, as there are a few areas that I feel are relevant. This first post will be on the topic of dealing with, overcoming, getting through hardship.

Sometimes life creates a much more 'enjoyable' story than we could ever begin to write and these last few weeks have been one for the books!! I don't know about anyone else, but I have just been feeling like I was getting hit by life, from every angle - nothing was going easy. I was getting bogged down with life and my head was just on repeat, playing over everything that was going wrong. It was hard to see the light in the midst of the darkness and the darkness is all I could seem to focus on.

Then that's when life really decided to play a joke. What was supposed to be a lovely trip to Montana this past weekend, to get away and have a break from life, started off as a chapter out of Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events. Long story short - flight was delayed 2.5 hours, luggage didn't arrive with our flight, our car was rear-ended (by the way, it was my 3rd car accident in a week), our hotel key didn't work (had to go to the lobby twice, only to find out someone was actually in the room they assigned to us) and then had to wait to get into another room. All of this took place from about 10p - 4a; needless to say my 12 hour venture to Montana was not how I had envisioned it going, but after the few weeks I had been having, I wasn't surprised by what had occurred. In fact, at this point all I could do was laugh at everything going on. I didn't have anything left in me, but to laugh.

On my last day in Montana, I went dog-sledding and couldn't help but be fascinated by the dogs, and the irony of the last few weeks of life. Upon arrival, there were 70+ dogs chained up along the edge of the truck and/or fence. They looked sad and at first, you couldn't help but feel bad for them. Here they were, going to be hooked to a sled and hauling me (and others) around the snow for over hour. Kept thinking of the burden and hardship that they had to go through every day - and then everything changed!! THE MINUTE that the guides started to get everything ready, and the dogs knew it was almost 'go time' - the thoughts of feeling sorry for them vanished. They were SOOO excited! Barking, jumping around, rolling in the snow; so full of eagerness, passion, and enjoyment for what they were about to do (hauling hundreds of pounds, running 7+ miles in snow). If you ask me, that all sounds like what training for my 1/2 marathon feels like, LOL.

Watching the dogs made me realize that we have two choices in life - get defeated by challenging situations, or embrace them with eagerness (and a smile, or bark :)). I decided to live this year with INTENTION and learning how to LIVE life, not SURVIVE it. These dogs helped me realize that life is always going to present challenges, but it's how we approach them that is truly how we determine whether we live to the fullest extent, or just get by surviving. God never promised an easy life, but what he promised was to walk along side us during the hardship. A friend to keep us company along the way.

Just as the dogs have been trained their entire life to run and endure -- I have been trained to withstand and just put one foot in front of the other to get to the next day. However, unlike the dogs, I have forgotten how to jump, roll in the snow and be eager to embrace life with passion and enthusiasm (regardless of the hardship and hurdles coming my way). I've gone through my share of hardship, but who hasn't - right? We all have our stories, our struggles, our burdens, our hurdles. What differentiates us, is what we do with them and how we decide to approach life, in-spite of them.

My challenges won't end (heck, I am a single mom of a teenage son - enough said!). I have always been grateful for my life and have learned to appreciate the lessons given to me, but I could definitely learn to skip my way through this crazy journey - rather than just putting one foot in front of the other.

Regardless of what is going on right now in your life -- take some time to skip, smile, and appreciate the challenges you are going through. They make you, you!

Love,

Kristin