Unlearning My Anxiety

I want to share a story that happened to me recently. I’ll set the stage…

I was in a room with over 300 people, none of which I knew. Not a single soul. I was at training in downtown San Diego, on Servant Leadership, listening to some of the top leading influencers share their stories, their successes and their struggles. During the middle of the presenters, they had a stand-up comedian come in to try and” livin” up the crowd. During one of his routines, he asked the audience if there were any single ladies in the room and to raise their hands. I raised my hand just to go along and participate. Not thinking much about it, especially because I was sitting at the last table in the room, farthest from the stage. What I didn’t expect was that in a room over 300+ people I was going to be the ONLY person to raise their hand. THE. ONLY. PERSON. What transpired from this was him jumping off the stage, running all the way to the back of the room (microphone in hand) and calling me out in front of everyone; what my name was, what I did for a living and what I was looking for in a guy. He then went on for about five minutes trying to find ONE single guy in the room. Not one guy raised his hand and out of the 10 or so guys he walked up to, they were all married.

Rewind about 30 minutes before this whole situation took place. One of the presenters had us doing an exercise with a total stranger, where we had to answer questions and share our answers with each other; intimate, authentic and transparent answers. The last two questions we had to answer and share were “what is one thing that you would never tell a complete stranger about you” and “what is one thing you are afraid of?” My answers: That I suffer from an internal battle with anxiety and that one of my fears is being in a large group, not knowing anyone and having to talk with people (that would be the introvert in me).

Can you say that God has a funny sense of humor?!

For those who know me, they know that my anxiety is always with me – but for those who don’t know me, or don’t know me well, you would never be able to tell. I’ve been able to manage my anxiety internally (like a duck in the water; still on the surface but feet pedaling feverishly under the surface). I go about life just as anyone else and have been in multiple, every day, situations of being completely uncomfortable; professionally and personally. It has been somewhat of my alter-ego over these years; one in which I felt that as long as I contained it to the confines of my internal self, then it was fine. The problem is that confining it within me all of these years has created an all-consuming monster. It’s like those fish that grow to the size of the tanks they are in - that has been my anxiety. It was contained, but it has grown to the size of my soul’s tank; taking over my thoughts, my heart, my joy, my light. 

A few months ago I decided that it had gotten too big and that it was time for it to move out! But how do you say good-bye to a long-time friend? As annoying as the friend may be, it’s still hard to just let go. Everything in life serves some purpose, even if it isn’t a healthy purpose. We keep, hold and grasp onto some of the unhealthiest behaviors, because sometimes that is all we know. That is what my anxiety was for me. A tactic that my body originally used to survive but had somehow moved from surviving to all-encompassing and it was time to start letting go of it.

My journey the past 25+ years has taught me how to be anxious and I knew that if I wanted to overcome it, I had to unlearn everything. Medication wasn’t an option for me, as I knew that my anxiety was a product of my life, and not a product of me. Please let me say that I know that there are many people on medication for anxiety, who are dealing with a much more debilitating form of anxiety than what I am talking about and/or my own experience. This is by no means underplaying those who suffer from anxiety where medication is/may be the best form of relief. For me, my anxiety was created and became learned behavior from my story; therefore I have chosen to treat my symptoms by unlearning and undoing the last 25+ years.

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Multiple Faces of my Anxiety:

We all walk out into the world wearing certain masks, certain facades that we want the world to see us by. And over the years, my anxiety has taken on few different masks of their own (aka: coping mechanisms). I call them “Jedi Master,” “Turtle Shell,” and “Hamster Wheel.”  In order to ‘unlearn’ them, I needed to fully embrace and understand them.

The Jedi Master: Because of all of the loss in my life, I became a worst case scenario Jedi master! It was much worse when my son was younger, but it’s still present. I would literally come up with the craziest scenarios in my head and get to a point where I would convince my body as if it was actually happening; all usually including my son and something tragic happening to him. I usually only shared my craziness with my sister, because I knew she understood and wouldn’t call in a 5150 on me. :)) It was my body’s way to prepare, handle, and cope with the fear of losing the one person that would completely devastate me because I had become so accustomed to people in my life leaving me in one way or another. It was my minds way of trying to survive and prepare for a situation, but it would always take on a role that became completely unhealthy.

Turtle Shell: Nature or nurture (or both), I am a people pleaser to my core. I have a deep sense of need to help others and a sometimes annoying personality to always do the right thing. After my parent’s death, my sister and I jumped from place to place, never really able to have a voice in the homes that we were living in. Not that we were perfect (we were teenagers & teenagers who were still figuring out life without parents), but we learned that having a voice usually meant consequences (aka: being kicked out). Later on in my marriage, having a voice and sticking up for myself, when my female intuition was in full effect meant being told that I was “crazy, emotional, insecure….” The events in my life, along with my personality built this wall (turtle shell) of protection around me, where I started to instinctively just retreat behind, the minute I had to confront a situation or a person. Overtime, it became hard to come out of. People in my life were accustomed to me bending over backwards, for going along with the flow, for not having a voice and I kept finding myself in situations where I was sacrificing myself and my needs for others. I was afraid to stand up for what I wanted/needed and because of that, I taught those in my life how to treat me.

The Hamster Wheel: This mask has been the WORST. Ugh! Life is a complex dynamic of wanting to plan for the unknowns, while also knowing that no matter how prepared you are, life usually has a way to throw a curve ball. I work well with black & white, regardless of what the situation might be because with black & white, my brain has a beginning and an end. I can work with the facts and plan accordingly. What I don’t do well with is the ‘gray area.’ My mind has nowhere to go with it – it’s an endless loop of thoughts. I just run and run on that litter hamster wheel wasting a lot of energy and time, but going nowhere. It’s exhausting! Life has taught me how to survive and because of that, my brain has developed the ability to think, plan, and assume every possibility available. The problem is there are endless possibilities. If I know what is in front of me, I can plan accordingly, create my little checklist and march forward. The unfortunate thing is life doesn’t work that way. You have to learn to live in the gray area, the unknown, because that is all that we are guaranteed.

Unlearning Tools:

Knowing what the faces of my anxiety look like has helped me to recognize and be mindful when they c0me to the surface and also come up with some tools on how to take them head on. Here are a couple of my recent tools I’ve used to help me unlearn my anxiety.

Unlearning Tool #1: Improv

They say that the greatest rewards in life come with the greatest risks. Well, this was one of those risks! It was the ‘go big’ or ‘go home’ move I had to take if I really wanted to take back control of feelings. This idea of needing to take an improv class was a God thing. He planted the seed months ago and it just kept growing to the point where I finally just took the leap. I knew I needed to do it for so many reasons. 1. Because it scared the crap out of me. 2. Because I needed to feel comfortable coming out of my turtle shell and 3. Because I just needed to lighten up and learn to be a little silly. You know how I also knew that it was the right decision? Is because everyone I told that I was doing the class asked me “why” or “what made you want to do that?” It was so out the ordinary from what people have come to expect of me, or know of me – that people literally had a hard time understanding why I would do it. If you are looking for a way to feel comfortable in front of people, want to learn to react more and think less, or just something fun to do, I highly suggest you look at taking an intro class.

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The major lessons that I gained from my 6 week journey was learning to celebrate failure and how to be in the moment. Everything we were taught centered around these two concepts. Our instructor did a wonderful job setting the stage to celebrate when we messed up and also encouraged it. Whenever you said or did the wrong thing, you were cheered, recognized and redirected. It allowed everyone to feel comfortable to take a chance, put themselves out there and laugh at themselves when they messed up. What a beautiful world we would live in if we took that approach to every area of our life; at work, with our kids, with our spouse, with each other. We also learned how to be in the moment by playing games where we had to react quickly and with the first thing that came to our head. One of the main things in improve is trying to keep the story, scene or dialog simple, that the comedy comes from the simplicity and when you try to overthink or make up crazy scenarios it tends to lose the audience and the humor. So much of my life has been lost in the crazy scenarios I’ve made up in my head or from overthinking situations to the point of exhaustion. I lost the humor in my life because of it. I’m learning to find it again.

Unlearning Tool #2: Re-framing

One of the tools I’ve been using is the power of my thoughts! Our thoughts, beliefs, and focus are probably some of the most powerful resources we have. What I’ve learned about anxiety is that the same biological functions that occur when we are anxious also tend to be the same biological functions that occur when we are excited. When I’ve been finding myself in moments where my anxiety is high, I have been re-framing my thoughts and feelings about what I am experiencing. Instead of focusing on being anxious, I re-frame the feelings to feelings of excitement and re-frame my thoughts from being afraid to thoughts that my body is preparing me to take on whatever it is that is in front of me; known or unknown. When you can recognize that anxiety is also adrenaline, then you can use it to trick your body into thinking that something exciting is about to happen – or that your body is getting prepared for the challenge ahead. It becomes less of a wild beast and more of a trained animal. You can harness it to serve you, instead of debilitate you. There is a great TED talk about how you can use stress/anxiety as a way to be your friend and not your enemy. https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend (totally worth watching).

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So, how’s it working?

In the situation I talked about at the beginning of this post, if it hadn’t been for my improv class I probably would have died a slow, painful death inside, FOR WEEKS. I would have been traumatized and played over the event about 1,000 times in my head; replaying everything I said, everything I didn’t say and everything I should have said (that’s the hamster wheel I was talking about). Instead, I was able to enjoy the moment, enjoy the humor in the situation and enjoy people coming up to me all afternoon asking me if I was “the single girl who raised their hand?”

Regardless of how I’ve felt on the inside for the last couple of decades of my life, I’ve always known that I needed to put myself in uncomfortable situations, to do the things that scared me the most (maybe one day I’ll face my fear of the ocean) and to not let this part of my life take over my life. What I’m learning now is not just how to cope with my anxiety but how to undo my anxiety. It will take time, it will be a process – but by being mindful of the coping mechanism my body came up with to try to protect me, identifying the masks it wears and little by little reprogramming my thoughts – I know that I can unlearn what I’ve learned all these years and have already been reaping the rewards.

I hope that my journey/story will reach someone today and help them realize that you don’t have to just suffer through anxiety – or life. There are tools, resources and techniques that you can use to transform your life. It just takes one daily step and one mindful, intentional action towards the life you know  is on the other side of fear, anxiety, doubt, worry and unknown. It is within not only the realm of possibility, but you are more than powerful and capable to reach out and grab it. Xo

<3,

Kris

Advice From A 16 Year Old

Who is ready for the kid(s) to go back to school?? Ugh, summer break is such a catch 22. On one hand, you don't have to spend every night arguing about homework or my favorite -- juggling between homework, arguing about homework, practice and somewhere finding time cook & eat dinner. But heaven almighty, not having a schedule during the week for 2+ months - or even better, your kid(s) not having a schedule BUT you still do because you have to go to work still every day - it's enough to make anyone koo-koo. 

This summer has been extra interesting now that my son is 16, so his schedule and free time are a little more flexible then in years past. Staying out a little longer at night; roaming a little farther out of the neighborhood boundaries, spreading his wings a little wider. He has been having the time of his life; taking the train to the beach, jumping off bridges and cliffs into the ocean and cruising on his bmx bike anywhere his legs can take him. Living in San Diego, we live in a teenage boy's dream for summer break and it has been a lot of fun watching him just absorb life and summer with every ounce of his being - not care in the world - and that is exactly what I've wanted for him this summer. To live life to the fullest and be in the moment; something I am trying to get back to.

First day back to school -- See how big my smile is??&nbsp;

First day back to school -- See how big my smile is?? 

Aside from being exhausted trying to keep up with my son's schedule this summer, it has also been a challenging few months (well, in all honestly it's been more like a solid challenging year). This New Year, I set out to not make resolutions, but to have a word of the year; something I wanted to live my life around. This year, I chose INTENTION. I wanted to be the driver of my bus and I was bound and determined to drive that bus into my future. Well, I don't know about anyone else but when I throw something out in prayer, or out to the universe, it seems to have a funny way of soaring back at me like a boomerang; knocking me on my ass because I 1. Either didn't think it would be answered or 2. Wasn’t expecting it to be answered in the manner I got it. 

Living a life of intention, I knew that it was going to come with some challenges as I had to start getting real with myself and being honest about what I wanted. Somewhere along my journey I lost my sense of joy for life; everything has just felt really heavy. What I didn't fully think about in deciding to be the driver of my bus was that I had to stop being the passenger (aka: the victim) and that there are going to be times I would be driving alone, if that meant letting go of people/things that weren't aligned with what I wanted. So far that has meant leaving my job of 8 years and standing up to challenging people in my life. Most recently, living with intention has also meant that I had to come to terms with my relationship and where we were headed. Thus, our 6.5 years has come to an end. While we love(d) each other dearly, we just weren't traveling on the same path. It sucks, but I know the decision was right for the both of us at this point in our lives. For me, I have to get back to finding joy and lightness in my life. I've got to break this victim cycle that I've been stuck in, if I want to elevate my life to a higher level and if I want to stop surviving and start living. 

As I watch my son living out the California Dream right now (while I spend my summer analyzing my life lol), I've reflected a lot on the person I was at his age; how did I feel, what was I doing, what were my thoughts? It really helped to put some things into perspective for me. Life isn't necessarily any harder than it was then (well, maybe a tad but not much) buuuuut, how I've chosen to approach life has drastically changed. At 16, I had already lost both of my parents, moved from California to Nashville back to California, and was living in a very unhappy and unhealthy home with my Aunt and Uncle. In spite of it all, I don't recall a time in my life when I've ever been happier or lived life to its fullest potential. 16 was a happy time for me! 

Livin the dream on his 16th birthday!! Nothing but his future ahead of him.&nbsp;

Livin the dream on his 16th birthday!! Nothing but his future ahead of him. 

People always ask the question "knowing what you know today, what advice would you give your younger self?" But what if we ask it the other way around? I bet there are a lot of things our younger (16 year old) self could remind and teach us. And right now, I think my 16 year old self can really teach me a few lessons on how to lighten the heck up, especially if I want to start living again.

So here is my advice from my sweet, darling and oh-so wise 16 year old self. :)

Sing to the Cows:

I was one of the youngest of my friends; being an October baby I was usually the youngest in my grade, so this meant everyone turned 16 and started driving long before me. Because of this, my dear friend Julie used to pick me up from school every morning. We would cruise to school in her white pick-up truck; usually one of us dressed in the Dickie's railroad overalls, our hair in a braid and skater shoes. Every morning we'd drive through town with the windows down, blasting Shania Twain - singing our little hearts out to "These Boots are Made for Walking." On our way, there was a part of town that had cows (I know......with the pick-up truck, overalls, Shania Twain and cows, you must be thinking we lived in Oklahoma but no - this was all in So. Cal my friends) and every morning we would honk, wave, sing and wish the cows "good morning," Don't ask me why? It was just our thing and we didn't care! We loved it and I'm going to pretend the cows loved it too!

Wasn't joking about the overalls!! :)

Wasn't joking about the overalls!! :)

For the last few weeks as I've been driving to work, I've turned off my talk radio and audio books and I've turned my music up in my car (not quite as loud as it was when I was 16 but close enough to not hear myself actually singing) and I've been singing my little heart out -- really embracing and feeling the music. Music has such a deep connection to our souls and really has a power to change our feelings. It's been so liberating and FUN! Instead of singing to cows, I'm singing to about 100,000 cars on the road as I sit in traffic but it's the same concept (I'm sure some of the people in the cars are looking at me and thinking I probably have lost my marbles but who cares). It's hard to be lost in our thoughts, feelings and feeling sorry for ourselves when we are singing at the top of our lungs. The cows in town have long been gone, as it goes for the people in our lives; people (cows) enter and leave our lives in seasons, but we need to remember to keep singing our hearts out even if no one is around.

Lesson: Sing to the cows and don't worry about whose watching! 

Walk like a T-Rex:

I wrote in my last post about going to this training in July called 'Rescue Academy.' The training was focused on how to counsel and help people going through difficult situations in their lives. Before the training started they sent out a survey to get some background information on each of attendees; favorite Starbucks drink, what we did for a living, etc.. One of the questions was about any "hidden talent/skill." I was answering the survey on my phone waiting for something and I answered the hidden talent questions with "don't really have one, but in high school I used to do an impression of a t-Rex" and then hit submit!!!!!!!!! I don't even know why I thought of that (I had completely forgotten about it nor had I even done it in like 10+ years) AND WHY I WOULD PUT THAT DOWN - knowing it was going to now come back to haunt me in some way?!?!

And I was right!! One of the first things we went over in the meeting was going over people's 'hidden talents' and everyone was tasked with finding out who the talents belonged to.  I thought to myself "maybe everyone will just forget about it" -- NOPE -- they were on a quest and more than anything they wanted to know who the t-Rex was. I wanted to hide under a rock and never come out. My anxiety was off the charts. I knew I was going to have to do it once they found out but more than knowing I was going to do it in front of 50 strangers, I knew I personally needed to do it if I wanted to start living my life again.

The t-Rex was something that I would freely bust out in high school; I would walk around the grocery store, I did it for an audition or just whenever. I had no hesitation, concern, anxiety or inhibition about when or where I did it. It made me and my friends laugh - and that was enough. The group eventually found out that I was the one behind the t-Rex and I agreed to do it (against every bone in my body but I did it). I thought I was going to die, my heart was beating so fast - but you know what?? I did it, I didn't die, got a standing ovation and was proud of myself. Somehow, in the 10+ years since I last brought out my t-Rex, life got in the way and the lightheartedness of my life was buried underneath a lot of worry, anxiety and responsibility.

Lesson: Find your inner t-Rex and let it out sometimes! 

My award from Rescue Academy - lol

My award from Rescue Academy - lol

Worship your Friends:

I cannot pry my son away from his friends right now, not even if I tried with the jaws of life. There is nothing on this planet more important than his group of boys (and girls, sigh). But wasn't that the case for most of us? It was for me. I was incredibly fortunate to have some of the most amazing girlfriends growing up; all of whom I still am close with and hold dear to my heart. Not only did we create an eternity of memories in four short years, but my girlfriends were my saving grace from the chaos of my life. Moving from family member to family member's house all throughout high school, my girlfriends remained constant, steady and the true definition love. Dances, boyfriends, football games, parties (slumber and house), trips to the beach or river, whatever - we went through, and to, it together. Every day acting as if we hadn't seen each other for ages; high-pitched voices yelling each other's names, arms in the air running to each other and wrapping each other in a hug. 

Life with friends is easy at 16 because everyone is on the same journey, traveling towards adulthood together. We get older and we start traveling different courses; some going off to college, some getting married and having kids, some traveling to new areas, etc. Our lives get busy and full of different priorities making it harder to find time for each other. Since I've moved to San Diego 7 years ago, it's been incredibly difficult to try to stay on the same page with my friends and find that months (if not years in some cases) have gone by without connecting or making time for each other.

However, regardless of how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other, I know that my girlfriends are my ride or die. I told a couple of my closest friends about my relationship ending and in girlfriend fashion they came to my rescue. Chasity, booked a flight to come out for Labor Day weekend – so that I wouldn’t be alone (bless her heart & get ready for picture overload) and my other best friend, Jamie, sent me the sweetest care package in the mail; equipped with chocolate, essential oils, Oprah Magazine, a journal and nail polish.

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What a reminder that our friends really are the true treasures in life. They are the people in our lives that we get to choose and pick to be a part of all the ups and downs - and sometimes they are the only constant and steady people throughout life’s twists and turns. Watching my son and his friends this summer sure reminded me of how special friends are (and they sure are a heck of a lot of fun to be with too).

Lesson: Worship your friends; they are the care packages of life!

So what would your 16 year old self tell you today? What pieces of that person have you forgotten along the way? 

Life is tricky, messy and sprinkled with beauty. Take time to reflect on your journey, the lessons you've learned along the way and some that you have forgotten along the way as well. As kids, we have an incredible ability to DREAM BIG - LOVE BIG - LIVE BIG but as we strive to 'grow up' we tend to lose some of that magic. Our dreams become buried underneath our responsibilities. Our love becomes protected behind a wall from past hurt and loved lost. Our lives become small from all the fears we hide behind.

God created us each with special talents to share to the world. He designed our stories to help build the strength, skills and fortitude necessary to develop and share those talents with the people around us. We happen to just mess up his work along the way by controlling, hiding and fearing our stories!! Watching my son at this stage in his life and reflecting on who I was at his age has really opened up my heart to remember what life is about. We are meant to love, live and dream and to share all of that with one another so that they can love, live and dream as well. 

I hope you find your t-Rex today and let it shine! 

<3,

Kristin

When Calls the Heart

I'm just going to come right out and say it - my heart and soul has been hurting!! I don't know if the moon and Jupiter are aligned, out of alignment, in lunar cycle or WHAT (or what any of that means), but the last few months I have just felt heavy and this is going to sound weird but I feel as though I can feel the hurt, pain and sadness of Mother Earth. 

I'm generally a sensitive person, meaning that I can feel, absorb and emulate the feelings around me; which usually just meant that I had to be careful in what movies I watched. High anxiety movies (horror, thriller, violence) would affect my anxiety - sad/emotional movies would make me cry (I cry at a lot of movies). 

But lately, I have felt like I've needed to build a bigger bubble around myself and what I'm exposing myself to on a daily basis. I usually listen to talk radio on my way to/from work but that has become so angry with the divisiveness in politics that I can't listen to it anymore. Social media used to be a place where I would check in on my friends and family, but it has become so mean and vile with what people say to each other; complete strangers saying AWFUL things to one other. It's become so hateful that I have had to really limit how I spend my time on it. People are living their life behind a screen and not realizing that on the other side of the screen are REAL PEOPLE. 

I've even had to give up the one thing that used to be my escape; reality television. I will never be afraid to admit that I was a Housewives die-hard (and on occasion still get sucked into an episode with my sister) -- but again, it just got to the point where I felt worse after watching the show, about myself and life in general so I chose to give them up (sorry RHW). 

So I've given up radio, reality television and have limited myself on social media. One must be thinking "that's a bit extreme, don't you think?" Maybe? But I had to! I was losing hope in humanity and my soul was seriously drained. 

While at first it was a bit of a bore, not having all of the drama in my life and all of my vice's that got me through the day - what happened next has been transformational. So just what happens when you shut the doors to the things in your life bringing you down? You make space for new doors to appear and make room in your mind for clarity to come through. You open yourself up to light, goodness, LOVE and PEACE. 

By turning off reality television, I opened myself up to shows that bring love, joy and a smile. Recently, I watched a show called "When Calls the Heart," and as one would suspect with that title, it's a Hallmark original TV series and is every bit as cheesy as one would guess - but it's the GOOD kind of cheesy. It's centered around God, community, love, friendship; on simpler times. I became obsessed with the show (again, not going to deny it). I would find myself watching the episodes and SMILING! Seriously, how many shows out there can you actually say leave you smiling? Don't tell my son that I am posting this, but even he was into the show for about a season and a half. The kid that listens to awful rap music (I mean truly awful- I have either become old or rap music has progressively become worse) & youtubers who have made themselves famous by making diss-tracks about people. There was just something about the show that drew you in. Maybe it's because the theme of community, love and kindness seem so foreign to our everyday lives lately; or maybe it's because that is the root of what we all need and connect to? 

This theme of community and love has been coming up a lot since watching the show; maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to it now (like when you decide you are going to buy a certain type of car and then all of the sudden everywhere you drive, you see that car), or maybe the discussion is just starting to get bigger & people are really taking notice of how far we have moved as a society from these two things?

Just the other week I went to a two day training, called Rescue Academy Live, here in my hometown. The training was about teaching people how to talk, listen and help people who are going through difficult situations. There were about 50 people there from all across the U.S, all coming together because they wanted to learn how to help people who were hurting. The funny thing about it all was everyone came thinking they were going to learn how to help others, but I think everyone got as much out of the training for themselves, as they did for other people.

The training was really centered on LOVE & COMMUNITY being the foundation for everything in life and that only through love, can we transform hurt, shame, and titles. People going through trauma, hardship, depression - they don't need heroes; they just need someone who can show up. Which lately, it seems that with all of the distractions in the world - I think we could all start showing up a little more in our own lives if we want to start seeing transformational change. 

One of the most beautiful things that came out of the two days was the love and sense of community that we shared with each other. There was something really special and magical about being vulnerable, raw and authentic with people; people whom less than 24 hours previously you had no idea they even existed. I know more about some of their life stories, struggles, hardship, trials and victories than I do with people who have been in my life for years.

That is what love and community is! It's about being authentic with people, about showing up with your battle scars and all. It's also about appreciating, respecting and loving people through their hardship - so they can come out from under the rock of shame that they feel buried underneath. In church this past week, our pastor talked about how God "uses our mess and turns it into his MESSage." How great and how true is that? How great would it be if we lived in a world where we were able to be vulnerable enough with each other, so that we could use our mess to help other through there's?

When Chasity and I started this blog, our main purpose was centered around this message of love, vulnerability and authenticity. Our goal has been to live in H.O.P.E - honesty, openness, purpose and evolution. I didn't fully understand the extent of it when we laid it all out (just knew that it felt right), but lately I feel like we are really onto something and really hope that this blog does continue to evolve into a place where Chasity and I share our struggles, hardship and victories - so that other people can too. When we stand in our story, we can show up and help other's to stand in theirs.

I feel like my posts have been a little heavy over the course of this year, but you know what? It's really a reflection of how I've been feeling. It is just the season I am in right now and my posts are an honest reflection of my soul. 

I encourage everyone to love a little deeper right now; think the world can really use some TLC. Take time to show up in your life, to rid the things that are bringing you down and when your heart calls, listen to it!

Be nice to someone today!! Love someone a little harder, even if you think they don't deserve it. Spread compassion and kindness. PLEASE, my heart and soul beg of it. :)

Going to leave you with a quote from a book I am reading right now as I think she says it best.

"We need smart people with huge hearts and creative minds to manifest all the wealth, resources, and support they need to make their difference in the world. We need people to feel happy and fulfilled and loved so they don't take their shit out on themselves and other people and the planet and our animal friends." - Jen Sincero, Author of You are a Badass

<3,

Kristin

 

 

 

Life is Made From Everyday Moments of Courage

I’d first like to start this post by saying that I send my deepest, most heartfelt THANK YOU to all of the men and women who have fought (and continue to fight) for our freedom. There is no greater example of everyday moments of courage then from the ones who wake up every morning to sacrifice their lives to serve our country (and their families).

“She was powerful, not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear.” – Atticus

I was recommended an audio book, by a good friend a few weeks ago called “The 5 Second Rule” by Mel Robbins. As I went into my phone and pulled up my ibooks, I was a little hesitant to spend the $17.99 on it because every audio book I have tried before has put me to sleep (literally). There is just something about listening to someone read that makes me drift off into la-la-land and zone out. But I purchased it anyways and started listening to it on my drive to work.

Can I say that it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time! Her concept and theory on how to go about life is so incredibly simple; yet life changing! Without going into the whole book and the rule she lays out (because I hope that you go out and listen to it for yourself), I did want to focus on one area that came up in the book; everyday moments of courage.

This concept that our lives are made from just little moments of courage each and every day has been dancing around in my head for weeks; that we alter the path of our future from these little decisions throughout the day.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for so long I felt that in order to achieve great things in my life, I needed to have great courage in order to accomplish it. But that’s never worked, nor is it the case. It was always a lose-lose situation for me because I am not a dreamer, I am not courageous – I am a worrier, I am a lost in the details type of person. So I was constantly disappointed in myself because I didn’t have the great courage to ‘lean in’ and ‘go big.’ It just becomes a vicious cycle of “tomorrow, I’m going to do xyz” and then tomorrow came and I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) do it.

As the words continued to swirl around in my head, I analyzed my life and how I’ve either taken advantage of these everyday moments of courage or how I have pushed these moments under the rug to avoid them.

So what do these moments of courage look like? Well, they differ for everyone but they are the moments when our conscious pokes us and tells us we should do something and we either listen, or we ignore it and keep going about our business. They are the moments to go to the gym even though we are tired. They are the moments to deal with the dishes instead of watching another episode on Netflix. They are the moments when you reach out to someone whom you haven’t spoken to in years. They are the moments when you speak up at work to share your idea or ask for a raise. They are the moments when you stand up for yourself to someone who is a bully. They are the moments when you reach for that drink but put it down. They are the moments when you finally sit down and come up with a plan to pay off your debt.

All of these little decisions, each and every day, help shape and mold us either into the person we were destined to become or then keep us in the shell of the person we are destined to become.

It’s been a challenging couple of months in my house. My son has been a challenge (as teenagers can be) and have really been struggling with having a lack of joy in my days. I’ve noticed it’s been harder and harder getting up in the morning, because honestly – there just wasn’t really anything in my day I was excited about getting up for. I knew I would have to face a challenge around every corner of my day; working through my relationship and where that’s headed, facing a 10 hour workday, dealing with Shane (and the ex), keeping up with the house, etc.  My moments of courage really have been just getting up and going into my day one foot at a time; to keep pushing forward and remembering to be grateful that I get to wake up every morning.

Being an introvert, I tend to retreat a lot into my own head and get lost in thought; analyzing the purpose of my life, decisions I’m making, what’s next for me, etc. So as I’ve been listening to Mel Robbins on my way to work and contemplating this idea of everyday moments of courage, it has really helped me break the continual loop of thoughts I’ve been stuck in. You see, I was losing joy in my days because I felt like all of the elements in my life that have been weighing me down, were too big to change; outside of my control to do anything about. However, when you can break down your day, your decisions, and your future into these bite-sized pieces – knowing that you don’t change the world by one courageous act, rather you change the world through 1000’s of small, everyday acts of courage – is really a liberating feeling.

I’ve been really conscious about my days and really plugged into these ‘crossroad’ moments that we face on a daily basis. At first it was just being aware of them, recognizing them as they came up; what my reaction was to them, what was my default decisions were, how I felt after. Eventually, I could see the pattern – see where I’ve either leaned into the courage or where I’ve avoided altogether.  If I’m totally honest, most of my decisions/reactions lean towards avoiding. I don’t like conflict but even more than that, everything just seemed too big to deal with or change and what I avoid the most are the areas in my life (and in my relationships) that required me to stand up for myself.

It’s no wonder why my word this year was about being INTENTIONAL and wanting to dictate my journey; I wasn’t in control my destiny when I was allowing everyone in my life to decide how they were going to treat me. Every day, I was giving my power away for the sake of harmony, the sake of peace and the sake of ‘just getting along’ – but all that left me at the end of the day was giving 200% of me to everyone else and getting nothing back in return. The concept of knowing that I give more than I receive isn’t new to me – but the concept that I have the power to take back control of it by little decisions throughout my day (and not having to change everyone or have these gigantic moments of courage to do something about it) is honestly the most freeing feeling in the world. It’s not going to change overnight, but it can change a little each and every day, and that I can do.

When we can start freeing ourselves of the burdens holding us back, through small everyday moments of courage – we can start to have the courage to lean into the life that God created us to live. When we have the courage to tackle the dishes at the end of the day instead of escaping into Netflix (guilty), we can then have the courage to tackle the next thing in our life that we’ve been avoiding; writing that chapter of the book you’ve been thinking about, applying for the job you don’t think you’re qualified for, going on that run you’ve been avoiding, signing up for that class you’ve been wanting to do.

The funny thing about life is that 5, 10, 15 years go by in a blink of an eye and we find ourselves pondering our life and wondering how we got to this point in our life. Where we end up in 5 years from now won’t be dictated by one major decision, but rather 1000’s of little decisions throughout each day.  We all have the power to decide what 5 years from now looks like – it’s just a matter of leaning into those everyday moments of courage to decide something different, to take the leap of faith, to follow your instinct when fear is telling you to ignore it.

Where will your decisions take you? What are your everyday moments of courage that will transcend your life? What one small decision can you make right now – that will alter your path to the one God created for you?

I encourage everyone to get the audiobook The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins. It was one small moment of courage I took to purchase it, that has forever changed my life.

<3

Kristin

Living in the ‘Hood’

in ,

Boy, has it been a challenging couple of weeks in my house!!! We are in definitely in a new season of life and I have a feeling that this season is going to last for some time (sigh).

Growing up most of my life in So. California, preparing for extreme seasons is not something I’ve had to worry about, prepare for or even give a second thought to. Literally, the most prepared I am for ‘seasons’ is by owning a pair of rain boots, which I haven’t even worn (not even in this crazy rainy season we have had). So to say I am under prepared for this season of my life is a bit of an understatement. I’ve got some major planning, preparation and new skills to tackle.

I want to use this week’s post to shed some light into the last few weeks in my household; into an area that hasn’t been filtered through an app on my phone to make it look prettier– because I have a really good hunch that there are other people going through this same season, that will benefit from just knowing they aren’t alone.

I think being vulnerable and open about our hardships, challenges, and struggles is sooo critical in this day and age. We live in a world now where we have free access to compare our lives to millions of other lives on a daily basis. Keeping up with Jones’s has a new meaning these days – it’s really more like Keeping up with the Kardashian’s. We get to see small glimpses into people’s lives – but really, how much of their life are we really seeing? We get to see only what they want to show us. So here is some full access into the good, the bad and the ugly of my life.

“Motherhood: The toughest hood you’ll ever go through!”

Unlike some of my friends, who seem to have these ‘unicorn’ teenagers (as I like to call them), my son is a very strong-willed, path of least resistance child. Every day seems like a battle of wills in our house.

I recently had him take a strength finders test for kids to see what his strengths were and they came back as: Competition, Confidence and Presence (he likes to be the best, he knows he’s the best, and likes to tell everyone he’s the best- essentially). All qualities that I KNOW will serve him well in life if he uses them to the best of his abilities. I have always told him he would make a great lawyer. To put into perspective our personalities, my strengths are: Empathy, Learner, Relator, Discipline and Developer (I like to bring people together, talk about our feelings and love a good routine).  Which probably explains why we butt heads so much; we are completely opposite.

Up until our latest fight, I’ve thought our biggest struggle has been because of our personalities and thus, have focused my time in CHANGING him. I wasn’t shocked by his strengths results; I had just never looked at them as strengths (more of areas of challenge). If I could just get him to be more compassionate, more disciplined, more studious – then all would be great in our lives and we could live happily ever after. After our epic battle the other week I realized that the biggest problem right now isn’t him, it’s me!

I’m going to share a story that does not make me proud as a mother, but think it’s worthy to share.

Once upon a time, there was a mother and a son. JK.

It all started two weeks ago when Shane asked if he could go to the school dance (the dance was that night) and if I could go out of my way to drop off $20.00 so he could buy a ticket. We went back and forth on it because he currently has 4 C’s (which of course will “all be A’s in a couple of weeks”) and the last dance I gave him money for, he took the money and never bought a ticket (which I didn’t find out about until 2 days before the dance). We decided to make a deal (which is 99.9% of our conversations – everything with him is up for negotiation and he is relentless in his tactics. Maybe he would make a good hostage negotiator also?!). The deal was, I would let him go to the dance - BUT – he had to read the book ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers’ by the end of the weekend. Without arguing, without me reminding him, without fighting about it.

Good. Great. Deal was made. We both are getting what we want.

Wish that was the end of the story. He went to the dance Friday night and Saturday morning, when I got home from the gym, he told me he had read the entire book (in one hour). PLEASE!! I never know if I should be insulted or laugh at how dumb teenagers think parents are?!

Fast forward a few hours – we were in a full blown war in our house. Threats of leaving & going to his dad’s, to which I responded “you are welcome to walk there but you aren’t leaving the house with anything I’ve paid for” (phone, clothes, shoes, etc.). He was upset; frustrated to the point of tears. I was upset; frustrated to the point of just not giving a flying hoot if he left and didn’t come back. 

The final blow came when he was on the phone with his dad and I overheard him tell him how he at least respected his step-mom because “she has at least accomplished something in life.” When I tell you that I lost my marbles at this comment, that still doesn't accurately describe how upset and mad I was. I took the phone from him, and hung it up, and then told my son “F#$& you, Shane."

Words that I will forever regret! I walked out of his room completely defeated, embarrassed and ashamed.  

It was after I left his room that I realized, I am not frustrated at his behaviors – I am FEARFUL of his behaviors. Afraid of the behaviors that remind me of someone that hurt me – afraid of him not having the qualities and character that someone else wasn’t able to give to me (and left behind a deep scar). I reacted to him because the words he said were exact words that have been used against me, as reasoning for poor actions and insult. Not that he was right in saying it (and he knew it would hurt me), but my reaction and my words were not of me, or of God. They weren’t even words meant for Shane, but rather to the person who first hurt me with those words.

How could I try to hold Shane accountable to having a kind, loving, gracious heart – when I did not display the same behaviors? And in plain honesty usually don’t when he pushes ALL of my buttons to the point where he eventually pushes the last and final button (that last one is usually the nuclear button). I realized fully in that moment that I am not trying to parent Shane to evolve into the best person God created HIM to be. I am trying to parent him into NOT being a person I am afraid he will become. I have always told myself, and others, that you ‘create what you fear’ – meaning that when you live in a state of fear, you are consciously and subconsciously making decisions and displaying behaviors that will create the very thing you are trying to avoid. Your actions are driven by what you believe and focus on the most. 

I know as parents we all have our moments of ‘enough’ – moments that we aren’t necessarily proud of. Those moments seem to grow more as our kids continue to grow and enter into being teenagers. It can definitely be a challenge. It’s hard to remember that this season is a necessary season for them, to evolve and break the chains between child & parent. I mean, our whole goal as a parent is to raise our kids so that they can become self-sufficient, INDEPENDENT, human beings (who are hopefully great and wonderful human beings). I don’t know about any other parent, but I’m not sure I would be willing to break the chains – if our kids didn’t go through this period of life? It’s almost like they are taking the burden of being pain’s in the asses because they know we wouldn’t be able to let them go if they weren’t.

Although, I have another challenge to overcome during this season – more than just the challenge of raising a teenager. New tools I need to learn. I have to learn to let go of my past, so that Shane can look forward to his future! I can’t parent him in fear, rather I need to accept that he is his own person, with his own strengths (and his own flaws). Instead, I need to spend my time learning how to accept some of those qualities, but more importantly how to nurture those qualities so that his strength of competition doesn’t turn into selfishness. His strength of confidence doesn’t turn into cockiness. His strength of presence doesn’t turn into self-centeredness. ALL of our strengths are our greatest weaknesses if we don’t use them in the right capacity. My strength of being empathetic often leads me to carrying the weight of other people’s problems, dragging me down, and draining my energy; leaving nothing of value to give back to myself or my family.

No one is perfect! I am not a perfect parent. Shane is not a perfect child. But I am learning that I am the perfect parent for Shane and Shane is the perfect child for me. God doesn’t do anything by mistake or accident. There is a reason we are in each other’s lives. Maybe the reason I was chosen to be his mom is to teach him empathy, compassion and grace? And maybe the reason he was chosen to be my son is to teach me to let go of fear?

I don’t expect this little revelation I’ve had to solve our issues. He’s a teenager for goodness sake and I have about 34 years of things to work through. But at least I can parent a little more mindfully? I can watch out for the red flags and triggers, so that we don’t end up in the same spot we were a couple weeks ago. We have about 3.5 years left together, before he goes off into this big giant world and sets off to discover who he was destined to become. I don’t want these years to be miserable, for him or I. And given that I can only control my behavior and my actions, it’s silly for me to think that I don’t have to evolve as a parent to this now teenage, strong-willed, path of least resistance child of mine.

Parenting is some ‘gansta’ shit! It is definitely the toughest hood I’ve gone through. But I wouldn’t take it back for anything. Shane might not know it ,but he is the GREATEST THING I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE!

To all my parents out there (of teenagers, strong-willed children) – my heart is extended to you. We aren’t in this alone! A piece of advice I encourage you to explore, as I explore as well is – instead of trying to fight who they are, see what lessons God is trying to teach you through your child(ren). You might just be surprised.

<3 Kristin

Sweet Sorrow: Battles and Breakthroughs

in

OK you guys – I am having the worst travel karma this year!! Not sure what is going on but it’s been brutal. Could have something to do with the fact that all of my flights have been on United?! Not blaming them (well, kind of am), just saying they are the common denominator. I am sitting at the airport, going on my 2nd delay of the day; what was originally supposed to be a 5 hour travel day is now turning into another 12 hour travel day. Sigh!

Battle: Airports! Breakthroughs: Time to write my blog post!

I was originally thinking I was going to write the next ‘mini-series’ of Sweet Sorrow on betrayal, but honestly, I just wasn’t really feeling it. Now that I have 3 additional hours to really think/type this out, I realized that writing on betrayal would be forced and not authentic. While I have lots to say about the topic, it just isn’t the time. So as I sit here in my ultra-comfortable airport seat, staring at my computer screen and eating my gluten free crackers (doing a cleanse! Traveling is that much more painful when you can’t eat much of anything), I decided that it is time to wrap up this series for a bit and end it with battles and breakthroughs.

I wanted to write around this topic of Sweet Sorrow, as a way to illustrate that life can just downright suck sometimes (or sometimes a lot of time). The journey can be tiresome, burdensome, difficult, etc. And no one is immune to it! We all have chapters in our lives that are full of battles, and other chapters that are full of breakthroughs. Life is about balancing both and trying to find the breakthroughs during the battles.; trying to find the sweetness in the sorrow. 

I’m not a people person in the sense that I like being around a lot of people all of the time; I am a people person in the sense that I like getting to know people on a much more intimate, quiet, deeper level. The reason for that is because 1. I shut down in large groups and have sensory overload and 2. I love learning about people’s stories and their journeys. We all have one! A story as unique to us as our fingerprints! And more often than not, what draws people into our stories - or what we relate to the most with other people's stories - are their battles, The trials and triumph they went through, most of the time never aware on the surface of what people have gone through in their life.

So what do we do with the cards that are dealt to us? What do we do in moments of hardship, sorrow, betrayal? What I am learning is that we pay attention during the moments we are in battle, that we hunker down for the storm and stay calm. Alternatively, during the moments of breakthroughs we learn to be thankful, to take time to stop and appreciate the moment and to use the breakthrough moments to get us through the battles.

Just some of the flowers along the freeway on my way home from work

Just some of the flowers along the freeway on my way home from work

I am reminded of this daily right now as I drive around So. Cal. This season has been a wet one! We have had so much rain, all of which has been desperately needed. While traffic has been a nightmare (the stereotypes are true, we can’t drive in the rain), the brightside is that I can now take a shower longer than 3 minutes and not worry that my water company is going to send me a fine for using too much water! The rain has brought some battles of its own; leaking roofs, flooded roads, potholes (EVERYWHERE), etc. But it has also brought life and growth! It looks like Kuaui or Scotland; the hills are so green and dancing with artistic displays of wildflowers everywhere. It has been a few years since mother earth has had some relief and able to show off its beauty. While we have been enjoying years of sunshine and near perfect temperatures, the ground has been hunkering down, trying to get through these seasons of no rain.

It is no secret that there are no flowers without RAIN and SUNSHINE. They need both to grow and evolve into the perfect creations they were destined to become. Our lives are the same. We need the battles and breakthroughs to become the people we are destined to become. But it takes ownership, recognition, stillness, and fortitude to grow into our most authentic self. It takes the ability to be able to learn the lessons during the battles, and to appreciate and rejoice in the breakthroughs. We have to be willing to walk through the difficult times with an open mind, an open heart and open arms – and we have to be purposeful to walk through the happy times with a thoughtful mind, a giving heart, and embracing arms. When we can learn to look at the moments that challenge us, bring us to our knees, or sometimes downright break us – as moments that can be used to help ourselves and others – then it makes seeing the light at the end of the tunnel a little easier.

That is what I have wanted to get across around this topic of sweet sorrow. To try to remember to rejoice in the trials and tribulations of life! It’s those moments, the moments we are getting flooded with rain that will allow us to blossom and bloom in the sunshine. It isn’t easy, this I know. I still struggle with remembering to find the positive in every day battles; so much so that I have a daily gratitude journal I write in every night before going to bed. To help me to find three things a day that I am grateful for, to help train my thoughts to search for the breakthroughs and not just focus on the battles. Sometimes I could write 100 things I’m thankful for, other times the only thing I can come up with is being thankful for my bed.

Sweet sorrow is about remembering to be joyful in the midst of sorrow. It’s a choice how we see the rain. We can choose to see nothing but cold, wet, dreariness – or we can choose to remember that the sun is just on the other side of the clouds, waiting to use the rain to transform us into something amazing. Each of our battles different and unique; just as each of us is as different and unique as all the flowers on this earth.

http://strangesounds.org/2017/03/38california-desert-super-bloom-california-2017-pictures.html

http://strangesounds.org/2017/03/38california-desert-super-bloom-california-2017-pictures.html

To each of you, I hope that these posts have been able to resonate on some level with you and your life?! That is my purpose, to use my story and my journey to help others along their journey. Life can be freaking difficult, but don’t be defeated. We are in this together!

Wish me luck on the rest of my journey! If my flight is delayed again my next post is going to be about how full of crap I was in saying that we should try to find the good in everything. LOL!

<3,

Kristin

Sweet Sorrow: Loss

in

This isn't going to be an easy post for me and have kind of been avoiding it the past week! Not sure how eloquent this is going to come out (through my tears), but here it goes. 

When I wrote my last post, I brought up how this concept of Sweet Sorrow has been weighing on my heart, and that there were so many layers around it that I wanted to write about. Last time, I touched on going through hardship and how when we find ourselves in the midst of it we have two ways of looking at it; either focusing on all of the negative, or shifting our focus onto the positive. It isn’t always easy though, to see the positive when you are buried underneath it all, but if you continue to search for it, it will show up in unexpected places (like dog sledding). 

Today, my post is about Sweet Sorrow, as it relates to loss. It's probably the real reason that this topic of having joy in the midst of sorrow has been weighing on me this month. February for me is a not only a celebration of love (Galantine’s Day :), Valentine’s Day, and my anniversary), but also loss. Last week, on February 15th, it was the 3 year anniversary of my (ex) Mother-in-Law's passing. She unfortunately lost her battle to lung cancer after a long, hard, courageous 17 month fight. I write in context that she was my (ex) Mother-in-law, but she was so much more than that to me. She was my ‘second mother’ and she gave me a second family. Having lost both of my parents before I was 13 (my mother to brain cancer and my father to esophageal cancer), the blessing of being able to have two sets of parents will forever be something I treasure. Not many people even get the chance to have one, let alone two.

I met my second mom in high school, when her son and I started dating, and it was an instant connection and relationship. For almost 20 years, she embraced and took on the role of being my mom, the mother that I lost at such a tender age. Even after her son and I divorced, she didn't skip a beat in our relationship. There was never a moment that she treated me as anything other than her daughter, and family. It may have made for a few awkward holiday meals the first couple of years after the divorce, but it worked itself out. :)

Her favorite place on Earth!!&nbsp;

Her favorite place on Earth!! 

She was the first person that SHOWED me what it meant to love someone. After my parents passed, there were a lot of people in my life that TOLD me they loved me – but then betrayed me and delivered empty promises. She wasn't someone who said 'I love you' (which drove me crazy when I first met her), but she was someone who silently, and selflessly, would do anything for the ones she treasured the most. It wasn't until my son was born that I heard her say “I love you” to him. They had a special bond, (one that transcended beyond just grandmother/grandson) and it wasn't until my wedding day that she officially told me -- but by that time, I didn't need to hear it because I had felt it from her long before.

Since the time she entered my life, she was my rock! She was the one that taught me what it meant to be a mother. That mother's don't quit! That we travel to the ends of the earth to take care of, protect, and love our children. I remember right after I had my son, she insisted that not take a break from college (I literally was in class a week after I gave birth because she wouldn't let me take a semester off; afraid I wouldn't go back). She would get up at 3:30/4:00a every day, drive almost 2 hours to work, work an 8 hour day, drive 2 hours home, and then watch my son during the evenings so that I could go to class. Everything that I have accomplished to this day is because of her. She showed me what it meant to 'put on my big girl panties' and do what was needed to take care of my family; she was a true example of what it meant to work hard. It was never lost on me, not even in high school, how fortunate I was to have her (and my father-in-law) in my life, and there wasn't one moment that I took it for granted and always tried to make sure that she not only knew it, but one day would pay her back for it.

Nothing made her happier than being a grandma!&nbsp;

Nothing made her happier than being a grandma! 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually be able to give to her what she had given to me (and my son) and I definitely didn’t think that when I finally got the opportunity – it would be during her last month’s alive. Having gone through the loss of my parents already, and not physically or mentally being present during my parents’ passing’s – I knew that I not only wanted to be there for her, but that my journey had prepared me to be there for her (and the rest of the family).

One of the other gifts I was able to give to her -- taking her to Club 33 in Disneyland.&nbsp;

One of the other gifts I was able to give to her -- taking her to Club 33 in Disneyland. 

When the tides had shifted in her health, and we knew that her fight was over, I was by her side any/every moment that I could. Driving back and forth to work, working from the house, taking time off, taking turns sleeping in the room with her; whatever needed to be done. The irony of our role reversal was never lost upon me; where she used to be the one working all day to help take care of her family and now I got to take her cross and carry her weight, so that she could be taken care of when she needed it the most. To say that it was the hardest two months of my life is probably an understatement, BUT I can say they are the most special, memorable, and treasured two months of my life. It was during these two months that she gave me the most precious gift of all, and will forever be my most favorite moment with her. I remember one evening, I was sitting with her in the living room, holding her hand and whispered “I love you” and she quietly whispered back “I love you too sweetheart.” It wasn't what she said, it was the fact that she knew it was me and that she was present in that moment. Due to the cancer taking over her body (and brain), she was in and out of being cognizant - but at that moment, she knew it was me and together we got to be just mother and daughter.

My final act of service, gratitude, and love came in her final breaths. The house was quiet; my sister and I were the only ones there at the time. Thank God my sister was there, as she was able to recognize the signs, which ensured that we were by her side and she didn’t leave this earth alone. As much as I was praying that these weren't her last moments; trembling, shaking, and immensely terrified - God gave me the strength to be able to comfort her, and reassure her that she didn't have to fight any longer. She knew that I was there, and she knew that up until her last breath (and for eternity) that I loved her. It's not how I would have chosen to give back to her, to repay her for everything she had done for me, but I am so blessed that God gave me that opportunity to finally SHOW her what she meant to me.

Cheryl 2.jpg

It never gets easy! Loss/death/cancer is something that I have been deeply connected to, almost my entire life ,and yet - it never ceases to take my breath away when I go through it with someone I love. For anyone, everyone, who has experienced a loss - you know that for every loved one that you lose, they take a piece of you with them. The hole that is left doesn't go away, it just changes with time. At first the wound is open, raw, bleeding, but as the body is perfectly designed to do, the wound heals and leaves behind a scar. Sometimes that scar is sensitive to the touch, or sometimes the scar is reopened, and sometimes it is just there to remind you of your loved one. Just like with hardship, and having a choice at how we look at our situations - experiencing loss we have the same choice in how to look at our scars. We can look at them with sadness and remember all of the pain and hurt we experienced - OR - we can look at them as badges of honor and the cost we paid to love someone!

The unfortunate thing about life is that death is the only thing we are certain of. However, even in that certainty - it still takes us all by surprise and carries with it a great burden. Life isn't meant to be easy, or without loss - but we can find the sweet sorrow through it when we can focus on the moments of joy, love, and memories that we shared with our loved ones. As much as I miss both of my moms (and my dad), I don't think I would change anything about my life - because through their deaths I have been able to love greatly and deeply. I am able to understand the meaning of love, because I have experienced the great sense of loss. 

To anyone out there who has lost someone they loved, or is in the process of losing someone they love, this post is for you. My hope is that you too can find sweet sorrow in your pain and that you can look at your scars knowing that you loved deeply and wear those badges proudly. I hope that this post, my journey, is able to help someone who is struggling right now with being able to see the joy in the midst of your pain. It takes time, it's a process -- but know that you aren't alone and that it will get better (not easier, just different and better). Don't be afraid to love because you are afraid to lose.

This post is dedicated and in memory of my second mom & the best grandmother in the world. How blessed I am to have had you!! I think of you each and every day and know that you are with us -- especially at all of Shane's games, cheering him on and always his #1 fan. We miss you terribly!!! 

We love &amp; miss you!!

We love & miss you!!

My deepest love & admiration for all of you,

<3 Kristin

 

Sweet Sorrow: Hardship

in

Wasn't exactly sure what to write, or how to craft this post, but I knew I wanted to write around this topic of sweet sorrow. It was something that came up in my bible study and was just really weighing on my heart.

So I am going to kind of do a mini-series on this notion of sweet sorrow, as there are a few areas that I feel are relevant. This first post will be on the topic of dealing with, overcoming, getting through hardship.

Sometimes life creates a much more 'enjoyable' story than we could ever begin to write and these last few weeks have been one for the books!! I don't know about anyone else, but I have just been feeling like I was getting hit by life, from every angle - nothing was going easy. I was getting bogged down with life and my head was just on repeat, playing over everything that was going wrong. It was hard to see the light in the midst of the darkness and the darkness is all I could seem to focus on. 

Then that's when life really decided to play a joke. What was supposed to be a lovely trip to Montana this past weekend, to get away and have a break from life, started off as a chapter out of Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events. Long story short - flight was delayed 2.5 hours, luggage didn't arrive with our flight, our car was rear-ended (by the way, it was my 3rd car accident in a week), our hotel key didn't work (had to go to the lobby twice, only to find out someone was actually in the room they assigned to us) and then had to wait to get into another room. All of this took place from about 10p - 4a; needless to say my 12 hour venture to Montana was not how I had envisioned it going, but after the few weeks I had been having, I wasn't surprised by what had occurred. In fact, at this point all I could do was laugh at everything going on. I didn't have anything left in me, but to laugh.

On my last day in Montana, I went dog-sledding and couldn't help but be fascinated by the dogs, and the irony of the last few weeks of life. Upon arrival, there were 70+ dogs chained up along the edge of the truck and/or fence. They looked sad and at first, you couldn't help but feel bad for them. Here they were, going to be hooked to a sled and hauling me (and others) around the snow for over hour. Kept thinking of the burden and hardship that they had to go through every day - and then everything changed!! THE MINUTE that the guides started to get everything ready, and the dogs knew it was almost 'go time' - the thoughts of feeling sorry for them vanished. They were SOOO excited! Barking, jumping around, rolling in the snow; so full of eagerness, passion, and enjoyment for what they were about to do (hauling hundreds of pounds, running 7+ miles in snow). If you ask me, that all sounds like what training for my 1/2 marathon feels like, LOL. 

Watching the dogs made me realize that we have two choices in life - get defeated by challenging situations, or embrace them with eagerness (and a smile, or bark :)). I decided to live this year with INTENTION and learning how to LIVE life, not SURVIVE it. These dogs helped me realize that life is always going to present challenges, but it's how we approach them that is truly how we determine whether we live  to the fullest extent, or just get by surviving. God never promised an easy life, but what he promised was to walk along side us during the hardship. A friend to keep us company along the way. 

Just as the dogs have been trained their entire life to run and endure -- I have been trained to withstand and just put one foot in front of the other to get to the next day. However, unlike the dogs, I have forgotten how to jump, roll in the snow and be eager to embrace life with passion and enthusiasm (regardless of the hardship and hurdles coming my way). I've gone through my share of hardship, but who hasn't - right? We all have our stories, our struggles, our burdens, our hurdles. What differentiates us, is what we do with them and how we decide to approach life, in-spite of them.

My challenges won't end (heck, I am a single mom of a teenage son - enough said!). I have always been grateful for my life and have learned to appreciate the lessons given to me, but I could definitely learn to skip my way through this crazy journey - rather than just putting one foot in front of the other. 

Regardless of what is going on right now in your life -- take some time to skip, smile, and appreciate the challenges you are going through. They make you, you!

Love,

Kristin

Takes A Village . . .

in

This week, I have finally realized why people used to marry their kids off at 13/14 years old. It totally makes sense! Raising a teenager is one of the most confusing, frustrating, and exhausting experiences of my life. Nobody ever warned me that boys go through the ups and downs of mood swings the way they warn you about with girls. One moment you are having a normal conversation – the next their head is spinning and they are engulfed with anger (seemingly occurs at the same time you tell them no! Weird!).

Over this past holiday weekend, I had visions of sugar plums dancing around in my head of all the fun stuff we could do together – all the time we would have to hang out. Being a single, working mom, I cherish any extended period of time that we get to have, as my time with him consists of only seeing/being with him 50% of his life (albeit, I am grateful that, that is the case – for his sake). Boy did I miss the mark on those visions!!! Our weekend pretty much consisted of arguing and being grounded.

I remember growing up, I seemed to be grounded ALL.OF.THE.TIME. And I’m not just talking as a teenager. Probably since the age of 8 or 9! My dad would ground me for seemingly the smallest things (at least I recall them being minor – unfortunately, I can’t ask him how he would recall it). It’s surprising to me to think of how much of my life was spent behind my bedroom walls – especially because I wasn’t a bad kid and knowing my personality now; how I avoid confrontation, conflict, and am a people pleaser all the time – I’m pretty sure I was the same as a child (or maybe all of my solitary confinement turned me this way?). But my dad wouldn’t just ground me; I would be grounded for WEEKS at a time.

Being my father’s child, once I became a mother, grounding was my go to form of punishment once he turned about 11 or 12. Little did I have any clue that when I started grounding him, it would mean that I was pretty much grounded too! There isn’t much that you can do when they are on house arrest, other than to be on house arrest as well. I have no idea how my dad managed to be able to hold out for weeks at a time? I can barely stay committed to a day or two. Sometimes it feels like it’s more punishment for me than it is for him.

So as my glorious plans got taken over by man-child temper tantrums all weekend (pretty much started by making him do some standard chores Saturday morning – heaven forbid), there were many times I felt defeated, lost, confused, frustrated, and alone in how to deal with him but more importantly how to get through to him. How to use this and everything we were going through as lessons for him to grow from, while also not losing my cool too? Being a single parent gets exhausting having to fight the battles alone. There is no one to tap out to, to pass the baton over to – you are just there sometimes taking the beatings over and over again. Especially as a single mom! Not having my parents around makes it seemingly more difficult sometimes, as I can’t just call up my mom or dad and ask for advice. I often feel alone in this journey of raising a child, and now a teenager (more like alien life-form most days).

As most of my life has gone, when I became a parent, much of how I got through it was just to survive each day. Figuring it out as I went (as I think 99.99% of parents also feel). As the years went by, and as he got older, I became increasingly aware that having support was something I was going to critically need and that if I just kept trying to survive, neither one of us were going to make it out alive. Luckily, I have built a small village around me & God has put people/situations in my life that act as a life raft. Thankfully, I was given a life raft before I went into the  weekend – that helped keep me afloat for the three day marathon I was unknowingly about to enter into.

Earlier in the week, I was at a parent meeting for Teen Volunteers in Action (a volunteer group we are involved in) and they had a neuropsychologist speaking to us about the teenage male brain. Aside from learning about all of the neurological and chemical changes occurring in our sons’ brains/body (poor things) – something else struck me. She kept asking a lot of question to the parents about how many of us struggle with our sons on [insert topic: video games, mood swings, phones, etc.]. Question after question, just about EVERY parent raised their hand! It dawned on me how many parents (single or not) are all struggling with the same issues and how everyone feels that they are going about it alone! I found it curious that we all felt this way, when we live in a world where information is at our fingertips 24/7 and when we are supposedly more connected than ever.

As I was dealing with my son all weekend, I kept thinking about the meeting and found some comfort in at least knowing that while I was struggling alone at home – I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling at that moment. I’ve been lucky for this small village around me and situations like the parent meeting to help guide me in dealing with these moments that feel like they will go on for eternity. One of God’s more recent life rafts he has given me has been my bible study group. I have been blessed with mentor moms that provide the knowledge & comfort that only moms can provide – which I unfortunately lost at 8 when my mom died and again at 32 when my ‘second’ mom (my ex-mother-in-law, who had been a mom to me since high school) passed away. While I wanted to rip my hair out all weekend, I realized how blessed I was to have resources – when so many people don’t.

So as our hellish weekend came to a close, I realized that I got exactly what I asked for – a weekend hanging out with my son! The joke was on me of how glorious I thought it would be, but I got what I wanted. As Monday night came, and the work and school week was about to start again – I made my son help me make dinner. I had him make biscuits (which we used to make almost nightly when he was a toddler) and something miraculous happened. Not only did he not complain (gasp), but he actually sat down at the dinner table, engaged in conversation, and WANTED to watch TV with me (double gasp).  So while the previous 3 days were a nightmare (and know that we will have many more days like that), for a few hours the aliens returned my child to me and the world was again in alignment.

So to all you parents out there – of small children, teenagers, and adult children – I extend my heart to you and want to let you know you aren’t alone! I pray that you each have a village that you can turn to for guidance and support. For those who feel like they don't have a village -know that you at least have a virtual village in me!

Love,

Kristin

Lies and Misconceptions About Having it All

in

Going into this week, I’ve over analyzed this post to the point it became debilitating (which is what I tend to do). What the heck can I write about that people would actually care about? However, after seeing Chasity’s fearless post and just putting it out there (one of the qualities I love & admire about her), I decided it was time to just leap and not think.

So here we go the first solo post!!

As the New Year usually does, we all go into January reflecting on the previous year; replaying the good, the bad, and the ugly and come up with all these ‘resolutions’ for how we are going to make ourselves and our lives better. All set with good intentions, most with poor execution or follow through! Its human nature – we tend live in repeat and stay in our comfort zone! I read that the statistic for those who actually succeed in achieving their resolution was only like 10%.

I definitely am in the 10%! I had all these grand plans for 2017 (2016 was a tough year for me; lots of anxiety,  and God really putting pressure on me to make some changes that I had be avoiding for years). I wanted to go into 2017 as a better mom, business professional, friend, human being, etc. All the typical stuff!

Here’s how that has worked for me so far. Tuesday morning I woke up late, rushed myself and my son out the door at 7:00a to get to school and work, and then around 3:50p that day I realized that I not only didn’t give my son money for lunch – he also didn’t bring ANY food with him (I don’t think he ate breakfast that day either). He was about to go into lacrosse practice and pretty much hadn’t eaten anything all day. Anyone who has a 15 year old boy, or was a 15 year old boy, knows that all they do is eat! They are literally hungry 24 hours a day and you physically can’t keep enough food in the house to satisfy them. Way to start the new year off as a better mom! I felt horrible - both because I didn’t feed my child, but here I was, 2 days into the New Year and already failing at my resolution. #Winning!

After reading Chasity's post on the Lies and Misconceptions of Alcoholism, it got me thinking about the other lies and misconceptions we fall into. For me, it’s the lies and misconception that we have created as a society (especially for women), that we can and should have it ALL!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this idea is exhausting, and for me just not true. Can I do it all (sure), do I do it all (yes) – does it come without sacrifice, NO! That's the part of the mantra that always seems to be left out and what leaves so many people (myself included) feeling defeated and just downright drained. I am exhausted 24 hours a day!

I have no greater pleasure in my life then in the moments that I get to be a mom. I was fortunate to be able to stay home with my son the first 5 years of his life and have spent the last 10 years juggling between being a single mom and a working mom. I would love to be able to wake up in the mornings cook him breakfast (one that doesn’t consist of a baggie full of cereal as we rush out the door), pack his lunch, have his laundry folded and put away before he gets home from school (I don’t do his laundry by the way – made him start doing his own laundry years ago), etc. However, that isn’t my reality. My reality consists of TRYING to achieve all my mom duties, while also trying to live up to the other 100 things I should be doing or achieving as a woman.

I personally don’t believe that we are meant to have it all and do it all – and trying to achieve it doesn’t come without a daily sacrifice in some area of my life. When I am really engaged in being a mom and taking care of my home responsibilities– I am usually sacrificing my professional development, working out, eating healthy, being creative, and/or spending time with family/friends (and vise a versa). Maybe some of you out there are better at juggling it all, or maybe my expectations of what/where I should be at this stage of my life are too high? Who knows?

We live in a society now that stresses this idea of striving for perfection in EVERY area of life. I see it soo much in our kids’ lives with the expectations placed on them in sports and school. Kids are literally being verbally committed to colleges in middle school for sports! Soon they are going to start drafting them right out of the womb. It’s hard enough trying to live up to our own expectations, nonetheless societies expectations. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I’m just saying we need to start shedding light on the truth that something’s got to give to make it all possible. Sometimes it’s the laundry, sometimes it’s feeding our children :(, sometimes it’s our sanity, sobriety, relationships, faith, happiness, joy, fulfillment [insert your own area of sacrifice], etc.

SO, my resolution for 2017 is to let go of the lies and misconceptions that I should have and do it all. To show myself grace and to remind myself that I should just strive to be thankful for whatever I was able to accomplish in the 24 hours that I was given. I’m only one person and have a limited amount of resources (energy being the main one :))! We are ALL only one person! Together, we CAN have and do it all but it takes a community, it takes help, and it takes leaning on others.

All my love (and grace) to each of you trying to get through today better than you got through yesterday. Some days we will succeed and some days we will fail! If we just keep putting one foot in front of the other we are guaranteed to continue to move forward. Some days we may only move forward one step, some days we might fall back 6 steps, and other days we may run a marathon. The goal is just to keep moving forward.

Love you all!

<3 Kristin