Takes A Village . . . — Butterfly Lives

This week, I have finally realized why people used to marry their kids off at 13/14 years old. It totally makes sense! Raising a teenager is one of the most confusing, frustrating, and exhausting experiences of my life. Nobody ever warned me that boys go through the ups and downs of mood swings the way they warn you about with girls. One moment you are having a normal conversation – the next their head is spinning and they are engulfed with anger (seemingly occurs at the same time you tell them no! Weird!).

Over this past holiday weekend, I had visions of sugar plums dancing around in my head of all the fun stuff we could do together – all the time we would have to hang out. Being a single, working mom, I cherish any extended period of time that we get to have, as my time with him consists of only seeing/being with him 50% of his life (albeit, I am grateful that, that is the case – for his sake). Boy did I miss the mark on those visions!!! Our weekend pretty much consisted of arguing and being grounded.

I remember growing up, I seemed to be grounded ALL.OF.THE.TIME. And I’m not just talking as a teenager. Probably since the age of 8 or 9! My dad would ground me for seemingly the smallest things (at least I recall them being minor – unfortunately, I can’t ask him how he would recall it). It’s surprising to me to think of how much of my life was spent behind my bedroom walls – especially because I wasn’t a bad kid and knowing my personality now; how I avoid confrontation, conflict, and am a people pleaser all the time – I’m pretty sure I was the same as a child (or maybe all of my solitary confinement turned me this way?). But my dad wouldn’t just ground me; I would be grounded for WEEKS at a time.

Being my father’s child, once I became a mother, grounding was my go to form of punishment once he turned about 11 or 12. Little did I have any clue that when I started grounding him, it would mean that I was pretty much grounded too! There isn’t much that you can do when they are on house arrest, other than to be on house arrest as well. I have no idea how my dad managed to be able to hold out for weeks at a time? I can barely stay committed to a day or two. Sometimes it feels like it’s more punishment for me than it is for him.

So as my glorious plans got taken over by man-child temper tantrums all weekend (pretty much started by making him do some standard chores Saturday morning – heaven forbid), there were many times I felt defeated, lost, confused, frustrated, and alone in how to deal with him but more importantly how to get through to him. How to use this and everything we were going through as lessons for him to grow from, while also not losing my cool too? Being a single parent gets exhausting having to fight the battles alone. There is no one to tap out to, to pass the baton over to – you are just there sometimes taking the beatings over and over again. Especially as a single mom! Not having my parents around makes it seemingly more difficult sometimes, as I can’t just call up my mom or dad and ask for advice. I often feel alone in this journey of raising a child, and now a teenager (more like alien life-form most days).

As most of my life has gone, when I became a parent, much of how I got through it was just to survive each day. Figuring it out as I went (as I think 99.99% of parents also feel). As the years went by, and as he got older, I became increasingly aware that having support was something I was going to critically need and that if I just kept trying to survive, neither one of us were going to make it out alive. Luckily, I have built a small village around me & God has put people/situations in my life that act as a life raft. Thankfully, I was given a life raft before I went into the weekend – that helped keep me afloat for the three day marathon I was unknowingly about to enter into.

Earlier in the week, I was at a parent meeting for Teen Volunteers in Action (a volunteer group we are involved in) and they had a neuropsychologist speaking to us about the teenage male brain. Aside from learning about all of the neurological and chemical changes occurring in our sons’ brains/body (poor things) – something else struck me. She kept asking a lot of question to the parents about how many of us struggle with our sons on [insert topic: video games, mood swings, phones, etc.]. Question after question, just about EVERY parent raised their hand! It dawned on me how many parents (single or not) are all struggling with the same issues and how everyone feels that they are going about it alone! I found it curious that we all felt this way, when we live in a world where information is at our fingertips 24/7 and when we are supposedly more connected than ever.

As I was dealing with my son all weekend, I kept thinking about the meeting and found some comfort in at least knowing that while I was struggling alone at home – I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling at that moment. I’ve been lucky for this small village around me and situations like the parent meeting to help guide me in dealing with these moments that feel like they will go on for eternity. One of God’s more recent life rafts he has given me has been my bible study group. I have been blessed with mentor moms that provide the knowledge & comfort that only moms can provide – which I unfortunately lost at 8 when my mom died and again at 32 when my ‘second’ mom (my ex-mother-in-law, who had been a mom to me since high school) passed away. While I wanted to rip my hair out all weekend, I realized how blessed I was to have resources – when so many people don’t.

So as our hellish weekend came to a close, I realized that I got exactly what I asked for – a weekend hanging out with my son! The joke was on me of how glorious I thought it would be, but I got what I wanted. As Monday night came, and the work and school week was about to start again – I made my son help me make dinner. I had him make biscuits (which we used to make almost nightly when he was a toddler) and something miraculous happened. Not only did he not complain (gasp), but he actually sat down at the dinner table, engaged in conversation, and WANTED to watch TV with me (double gasp). So while the previous 3 days were a nightmare (and know that we will have many more days like that), for a few hours the aliens returned my child to me and the world was again in alignment.

So to all you parents out there – of small children, teenagers, and adult children – I extend my heart to you and want to let you know you aren’t alone! I pray that you each have a village that you can turn to for guidance and support. For those who feel like they don't have a village -know that you at least have a virtual village in me!

Love,

Kristin