Sweet Sorrow: Loss

This isn't going to be an easy post for me and have kind of been avoiding it the past week! Not sure how eloquent this is going to come out (through my tears), but here it goes. 

When I wrote my last post, I brought up how this concept of Sweet Sorrow has been weighing on my heart, and that there were so many layers around it that I wanted to write about. Last time, I touched on going through hardship and how when we find ourselves in the midst of it we have two ways of looking at it; either focusing on all of the negative, or shifting our focus onto the positive. It isn’t always easy though, to see the positive when you are buried underneath it all, but if you continue to search for it, it will show up in unexpected places (like dog sledding). 

Today, my post is about Sweet Sorrow, as it relates to loss. It's probably the real reason that this topic of having joy in the midst of sorrow has been weighing on me this month. February for me is a not only a celebration of love (Galantine’s Day :), Valentine’s Day, and my anniversary), but also loss. Last week, on February 15th, it was the 3 year anniversary of my (ex) Mother-in-Law's passing. She unfortunately lost her battle to lung cancer after a long, hard, courageous 17 month fight. I write in context that she was my (ex) Mother-in-law, but she was so much more than that to me. She was my ‘second mother’ and she gave me a second family. Having lost both of my parents before I was 13 (my mother to brain cancer and my father to esophageal cancer), the blessing of being able to have two sets of parents will forever be something I treasure. Not many people even get the chance to have one, let alone two.

I met my second mom in high school, when her son and I started dating, and it was an instant connection and relationship. For almost 20 years, she embraced and took on the role of being my mom, the mother that I lost at such a tender age. Even after her son and I divorced, she didn't skip a beat in our relationship. There was never a moment that she treated me as anything other than her daughter, and family. It may have made for a few awkward holiday meals the first couple of years after the divorce, but it worked itself out. :)

Her favorite place on Earth!! 

She was the first person that SHOWED me what it meant to love someone. After my parents passed, there were a lot of people in my life that TOLD me they loved me – but then betrayed me and delivered empty promises. She wasn't someone who said 'I love you' (which drove me crazy when I first met her), but she was someone who silently, and selflessly, would do anything for the ones she treasured the most. It wasn't until my son was born that I heard her say “I love you” to him. They had a special bond, (one that transcended beyond just grandmother/grandson) and it wasn't until my wedding day that she officially told me -- but by that time, I didn't need to hear it because I had felt it from her long before.

Since the time she entered my life, she was my rock! She was the one that taught me what it meant to be a mother. That mother's don't quit! That we travel to the ends of the earth to take care of, protect, and love our children. I remember right after I had my son, she insisted that not take a break from college (I literally was in class a week after I gave birth because she wouldn't let me take a semester off; afraid I wouldn't go back). She would get up at 3:30/4:00a every day, drive almost 2 hours to work, work an 8 hour day, drive 2 hours home, and then watch my son during the evenings so that I could go to class. Everything that I have accomplished to this day is because of her. She showed me what it meant to 'put on my big girl panties' and do what was needed to take care of my family; she was a true example of what it meant to work hard. It was never lost on me, not even in high school, how fortunate I was to have her (and my father-in-law) in my life, and there wasn't one moment that I took it for granted and always tried to make sure that she not only knew it, but one day would pay her back for it.

Nothing made her happier than being a grandma! 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually be able to give to her what she had given to me (and my son) and I definitely didn’t think that when I finally got the opportunity – it would be during her last month’s alive. Having gone through the loss of my parents already, and not physically or mentally being present during my parents’ passing’s – I knew that I not only wanted to be there for her, but that my journey had prepared me to be there for her (and the rest of the family).

One of the other gifts I was able to give to her -- taking her to Club 33 in Disneyland. 

When the tides had shifted in her health, and we knew that her fight was over, I was by her side any/every moment that I could. Driving back and forth to work, working from the house, taking time off, taking turns sleeping in the room with her; whatever needed to be done. The irony of our role reversal was never lost upon me; where she used to be the one working all day to help take care of her family and now I got to take her cross and carry her weight, so that she could be taken care of when she needed it the most. To say that it was the hardest two months of my life is probably an understatement, BUT I can say they are the most special, memorable, and treasured two months of my life. It was during these two months that she gave me the most precious gift of all, and will forever be my most favorite moment with her. I remember one evening, I was sitting with her in the living room, holding her hand and whispered “I love you” and she quietly whispered back “I love you too sweetheart.” It wasn't what she said, it was the fact that she knew it was me and that she was present in that moment. Due to the cancer taking over her body (and brain), she was in and out of being cognizant - but at that moment, she knew it was me and together we got to be just mother and daughter.

My final act of service, gratitude, and love came in her final breaths. The house was quiet; my sister and I were the only ones there at the time. Thank God my sister was there, as she was able to recognize the signs, which ensured that we were by her side and she didn’t leave this earth alone. As much as I was praying that these weren't her last moments; trembling, shaking, and immensely terrified - God gave me the strength to be able to comfort her, and reassure her that she didn't have to fight any longer. She knew that I was there, and she knew that up until her last breath (and for eternity) that I loved her. It's not how I would have chosen to give back to her, to repay her for everything she had done for me, but I am so blessed that God gave me that opportunity to finally SHOW her what she meant to me.

It never gets easy! Loss/death/cancer is something that I have been deeply connected to, almost my entire life ,and yet - it never ceases to take my breath away when I go through it with someone I love. For anyone, everyone, who has experienced a loss - you know that for every loved one that you lose, they take a piece of you with them. The hole that is left doesn't go away, it just changes with time. At first the wound is open, raw, bleeding, but as the body is perfectly designed to do, the wound heals and leaves behind a scar. Sometimes that scar is sensitive to the touch, or sometimes the scar is reopened, and sometimes it is just there to remind you of your loved one. Just like with hardship, and having a choice at how we look at our situations - experiencing loss we have the same choice in how to look at our scars. We can look at them with sadness and remember all of the pain and hurt we experienced - OR - we can look at them as badges of honor and the cost we paid to love someone!

The unfortunate thing about life is that death is the only thing we are certain of. However, even in that certainty - it still takes us all by surprise and carries with it a great burden. Life isn't meant to be easy, or without loss - but we can find the sweet sorrow through it when we can focus on the moments of joy, love, and memories that we shared with our loved ones. As much as I miss both of my moms (and my dad), I don't think I would change anything about my life - because through their deaths I have been able to love greatly and deeply. I am able to understand the meaning of love, because I have experienced the great sense of loss. 

To anyone out there who has lost someone they loved, or is in the process of losing someone they love, this post is for you. My hope is that you too can find sweet sorrow in your pain and that you can look at your scars knowing that you loved deeply and wear those badges proudly. I hope that this post, my journey, is able to help someone who is struggling right now with being able to see the joy in the midst of your pain. It takes time, it's a process -- but know that you aren't alone and that it will get better (not easier, just different and better). Don't be afraid to love because you are afraid to lose.

This post is dedicated and in memory of my second mom & the best grandmother in the world. How blessed I am to have had you!! I think of you each and every day and know that you are with us -- especially at all of Shane's games, cheering him on and always his #1 fan. We miss you terribly!!! 

We love & miss you!!

My deepest love & admiration for all of you,

<3 Kristin

Takes A Village . . .

This week, I have finally realized why people used to marry their kids off at 13/14 years old. It totally makes sense! Raising a teenager is one of the most confusing, frustrating, and exhausting experiences of my life. Nobody ever warned me that boys go through the ups and downs of mood swings the way they warn you about with girls. One moment you are having a normal conversation – the next their head is spinning and they are engulfed with anger (seemingly occurs at the same time you tell them no! Weird!).

Over this past holiday weekend, I had visions of sugar plums dancing around in my head of all the fun stuff we could do together – all the time we would have to hang out. Being a single, working mom, I cherish any extended period of time that we get to have, as my time with him consists of only seeing/being with him 50% of his life (albeit, I am grateful that, that is the case – for his sake). Boy did I miss the mark on those visions!!! Our weekend pretty much consisted of arguing and being grounded.

I remember growing up, I seemed to be grounded ALL.OF.THE.TIME. And I’m not just talking as a teenager. Probably since the age of 8 or 9! My dad would ground me for seemingly the smallest things (at least I recall them being minor – unfortunately, I can’t ask him how he would recall it). It’s surprising to me to think of how much of my life was spent behind my bedroom walls – especially because I wasn’t a bad kid and knowing my personality now; how I avoid confrontation, conflict, and am a people pleaser all the time – I’m pretty sure I was the same as a child (or maybe all of my solitary confinement turned me this way?). But my dad wouldn’t just ground me; I would be grounded for WEEKS at a time.

Being my father’s child, once I became a mother, grounding was my go to form of punishment once he turned about 11 or 12. Little did I have any clue that when I started grounding him, it would mean that I was pretty much grounded too! There isn’t much that you can do when they are on house arrest, other than to be on house arrest as well. I have no idea how my dad managed to be able to hold out for weeks at a time? I can barely stay committed to a day or two. Sometimes it feels like it’s more punishment for me than it is for him.

So as my glorious plans got taken over by man-child temper tantrums all weekend (pretty much started by making him do some standard chores Saturday morning – heaven forbid), there were many times I felt defeated, lost, confused, frustrated, and alone in how to deal with him but more importantly how to get through to him. How to use this and everything we were going through as lessons for him to grow from, while also not losing my cool too? Being a single parent gets exhausting having to fight the battles alone. There is no one to tap out to, to pass the baton over to – you are just there sometimes taking the beatings over and over again. Especially as a single mom! Not having my parents around makes it seemingly more difficult sometimes, as I can’t just call up my mom or dad and ask for advice. I often feel alone in this journey of raising a child, and now a teenager (more like alien life-form most days).

As most of my life has gone, when I became a parent, much of how I got through it was just to survive each day. Figuring it out as I went (as I think 99.99% of parents also feel). As the years went by, and as he got older, I became increasingly aware that having support was something I was going to critically need and that if I just kept trying to survive, neither one of us were going to make it out alive. Luckily, I have built a small village around me & God has put people/situations in my life that act as a life raft. Thankfully, I was given a life raft before I went into the  weekend – that helped keep me afloat for the three day marathon I was unknowingly about to enter into.

Earlier in the week, I was at a parent meeting for Teen Volunteers in Action (a volunteer group we are involved in) and they had a neuropsychologist speaking to us about the teenage male brain. Aside from learning about all of the neurological and chemical changes occurring in our sons’ brains/body (poor things) – something else struck me. She kept asking a lot of question to the parents about how many of us struggle with our sons on [insert topic: video games, mood swings, phones, etc.]. Question after question, just about EVERY parent raised their hand! It dawned on me how many parents (single or not) are all struggling with the same issues and how everyone feels that they are going about it alone! I found it curious that we all felt this way, when we live in a world where information is at our fingertips 24/7 and when we are supposedly more connected than ever.

As I was dealing with my son all weekend, I kept thinking about the meeting and found some comfort in at least knowing that while I was struggling alone at home – I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling at that moment. I’ve been lucky for this small village around me and situations like the parent meeting to help guide me in dealing with these moments that feel like they will go on for eternity. One of God’s more recent life rafts he has given me has been my bible study group. I have been blessed with mentor moms that provide the knowledge & comfort that only moms can provide – which I unfortunately lost at 8 when my mom died and again at 32 when my ‘second’ mom (my ex-mother-in-law, who had been a mom to me since high school) passed away. While I wanted to rip my hair out all weekend, I realized how blessed I was to have resources – when so many people don’t.

So as our hellish weekend came to a close, I realized that I got exactly what I asked for – a weekend hanging out with my son! The joke was on me of how glorious I thought it would be, but I got what I wanted. As Monday night came, and the work and school week was about to start again – I made my son help me make dinner. I had him make biscuits (which we used to make almost nightly when he was a toddler) and something miraculous happened. Not only did he not complain (gasp), but he actually sat down at the dinner table, engaged in conversation, and WANTED to watch TV with me (double gasp).  So while the previous 3 days were a nightmare (and know that we will have many more days like that), for a few hours the aliens returned my child to me and the world was again in alignment.

So to all you parents out there – of small children, teenagers, and adult children – I extend my heart to you and want to let you know you aren’t alone! I pray that you each have a village that you can turn to for guidance and support. For those who feel like they don't have a village -know that you at least have a virtual village in me!

Love,

Kristin

Lies and Misconceptions About Having it All

Going into this week, I’ve over analyzed this post to the point it became debilitating (which is what I tend to do). What the heck can I write about that people would actually care about? However, after seeing Chasity’s fearless post and just putting it out there (one of the qualities I love & admire about her), I decided it was time to just leap and not think.

So here we go the first solo post!!

As the New Year usually does, we all go into January reflecting on the previous year; replaying the good, the bad, and the ugly and come up with all these ‘resolutions’ for how we are going to make ourselves and our lives better. All set with good intentions, most with poor execution or follow through! Its human nature – we tend live in repeat and stay in our comfort zone! I read that the statistic for those who actually succeed in achieving their resolution was only like 10%.

I definitely am in the 10%! I had all these grand plans for 2017 (2016 was a tough year for me; lots of anxiety,  and God really putting pressure on me to make some changes that I had be avoiding for years). I wanted to go into 2017 as a better mom, business professional, friend, human being, etc. All the typical stuff!

Here’s how that has worked for me so far. Tuesday morning I woke up late, rushed myself and my son out the door at 7:00a to get to school and work, and then around 3:50p that day I realized that I not only didn’t give my son money for lunch – he also didn’t bring ANY food with him (I don’t think he ate breakfast that day either). He was about to go into lacrosse practice and pretty much hadn’t eaten anything all day. Anyone who has a 15 year old boy, or was a 15 year old boy, knows that all they do is eat! They are literally hungry 24 hours a day and you physically can’t keep enough food in the house to satisfy them. Way to start the new year off as a better mom! I felt horrible - both because I didn’t feed my child, but here I was, 2 days into the New Year and already failing at my resolution. #Winning!

After reading Chasity's post on the Lies and Misconceptions of Alcoholism, it got me thinking about the other lies and misconceptions we fall into. For me, it’s the lies and misconception that we have created as a society (especially for women), that we can and should have it ALL!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this idea is exhausting, and for me just not true. Can I do it all (sure), do I do it all (yes) – does it come without sacrifice, NO! That's the part of the mantra that always seems to be left out and what leaves so many people (myself included) feeling defeated and just downright drained. I am exhausted 24 hours a day!

I have no greater pleasure in my life then in the moments that I get to be a mom. I was fortunate to be able to stay home with my son the first 5 years of his life and have spent the last 10 years juggling between being a single mom and a working mom. I would love to be able to wake up in the mornings cook him breakfast (one that doesn’t consist of a baggie full of cereal as we rush out the door), pack his lunch, have his laundry folded and put away before he gets home from school (I don’t do his laundry by the way – made him start doing his own laundry years ago), etc. However, that isn’t my reality. My reality consists of TRYING to achieve all my mom duties, while also trying to live up to the other 100 things I should be doing or achieving as a woman.

I personally don’t believe that we are meant to have it all and do it all – and trying to achieve it doesn’t come without a daily sacrifice in some area of my life. When I am really engaged in being a mom and taking care of my home responsibilities– I am usually sacrificing my professional development, working out, eating healthy, being creative, and/or spending time with family/friends (and vise a versa). Maybe some of you out there are better at juggling it all, or maybe my expectations of what/where I should be at this stage of my life are too high? Who knows?

We live in a society now that stresses this idea of striving for perfection in EVERY area of life. I see it soo much in our kids’ lives with the expectations placed on them in sports and school. Kids are literally being verbally committed to colleges in middle school for sports! Soon they are going to start drafting them right out of the womb. It’s hard enough trying to live up to our own expectations, nonetheless societies expectations. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I’m just saying we need to start shedding light on the truth that something’s got to give to make it all possible. Sometimes it’s the laundry, sometimes it’s feeding our children :(, sometimes it’s our sanity, sobriety, relationships, faith, happiness, joy, fulfillment [insert your own area of sacrifice], etc.

SO, my resolution for 2017 is to let go of the lies and misconceptions that I should have and do it all. To show myself grace and to remind myself that I should just strive to be thankful for whatever I was able to accomplish in the 24 hours that I was given. I’m only one person and have a limited amount of resources (energy being the main one :))! We are ALL only one person! Together, we CAN have and do it all but it takes a community, it takes help, and it takes leaning on others.

All my love (and grace) to each of you trying to get through today better than you got through yesterday. Some days we will succeed and some days we will fail! If we just keep putting one foot in front of the other we are guaranteed to continue to move forward. Some days we may only move forward one step, some days we might fall back 6 steps, and other days we may run a marathon. The goal is just to keep moving forward.

Love you all!

<3 Kristin