Sweet Sorrow: Loss — Butterfly Lives

This isn't going to be an easy post for me and have kind of been avoiding it the past week! Not sure how eloquent this is going to come out (through my tears), but here it goes.

When I wrote my last post, I brought up how this concept of Sweet Sorrow has been weighing on my heart, and that there were so many layers around it that I wanted to write about. Last time, I touched on going through hardship and how when we find ourselves in the midst of it we have two ways of looking at it; either focusing on all of the negative, or shifting our focus onto the positive. It isn’t always easy though, to see the positive when you are buried underneath it all, but if you continue to search for it, it will show up in unexpected places (like dog sledding).

Today, my post is about Sweet Sorrow, as it relates to loss. It's probably the real reason that this topic of having joy in the midst of sorrow has been weighing on me this month. February for me is a not only a celebration of love (Galantine’s Day :), Valentine’s Day, and my anniversary), but also loss. Last week, on February 15th, it was the 3 year anniversary of my (ex) Mother-in-Law's passing. She unfortunately lost her battle to lung cancer after a long, hard, courageous 17 month fight. I write in context that she was my (ex) Mother-in-law, but she was so much more than that to me. She was my ‘second mother’ and she gave me a second family. Having lost both of my parents before I was 13 (my mother to brain cancer and my father to esophageal cancer), the blessing of being able to have two sets of parents will forever be something I treasure. Not many people even get the chance to have one, let alone two.

I met my second mom in high school, when her son and I started dating, and it was an instant connection and relationship. For almost 20 years, she embraced and took on the role of being my mom, the mother that I lost at such a tender age. Even after her son and I divorced, she didn't skip a beat in our relationship. There was never a moment that she treated me as anything other than her daughter, and family. It may have made for a few awkward holiday meals the first couple of years after the divorce, but it worked itself out. :)

She was the first person that SHOWED me what it meant to love someone. After my parents passed, there were a lot of people in my life that TOLD me they loved me – but then betrayed me and delivered empty promises. She wasn't someone who said 'I love you' (which drove me crazy when I first met her), but she was someone who silently, and selflessly, would do anything for the ones she treasured the most. It wasn't until my son was born that I heard her say “I love you” to him. They had a special bond, (one that transcended beyond just grandmother/grandson) and it wasn't until my wedding day that she officially told me -- but by that time, I didn't need to hear it because I had felt it from her long before.

Since the time she entered my life, she was my rock! She was the one that taught me what it meant to be a mother. That mother's don't quit! That we travel to the ends of the earth to take care of, protect, and love our children. I remember right after I had my son, she insisted that not take a break from college (I literally was in class a week after I gave birth because she wouldn't let me take a semester off; afraid I wouldn't go back). She would get up at 3:30/4:00a every day, drive almost 2 hours to work, work an 8 hour day, drive 2 hours home, and then watch my son during the evenings so that I could go to class. Everything that I have accomplished to this day is because of her. She showed me what it meant to 'put on my big girl panties' and do what was needed to take care of my family; she was a true example of what it meant to work hard. It was never lost on me, not even in high school, how fortunate I was to have her (and my father-in-law) in my life, and there wasn't one moment that I took it for granted and always tried to make sure that she not only knew it, but one day would pay her back for it.

Nothing made her happier than being a grandma!

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would actually be able to give to her what she had given to me (and my son) and I definitely didn’t think that when I finally got the opportunity – it would be during her last month’s alive. Having gone through the loss of my parents already, and not physically or mentally being present during my parents’ passing’s – I knew that I not only wanted to be there for her, but that my journey had prepared me to be there for her (and the rest of the family).

One of the other gifts I was able to give to her -- taking her to Club 33 in Disneyland.

When the tides had shifted in her health, and we knew that her fight was over, I was by her side any/every moment that I could. Driving back and forth to work, working from the house, taking time off, taking turns sleeping in the room with her; whatever needed to be done. The irony of our role reversal was never lost upon me; where she used to be the one working all day to help take care of her family and now I got to take her cross and carry her weight, so that she could be taken care of when she needed it the most. To say that it was the hardest two months of my life is probably an understatement, BUT I can say they are the most special, memorable, and treasured two months of my life. It was during these two months that she gave me the most precious gift of all, and will forever be my most favorite moment with her. I remember one evening, I was sitting with her in the living room, holding her hand and whispered “I love you” and she quietly whispered back “I love you too sweetheart.” It wasn't what she said, it was the fact that she knew it was me and that she was present in that moment. Due to the cancer taking over her body (and brain), she was in and out of being cognizant - but at that moment, she knew it was me and together we got to be just mother and daughter.

My final act of service, gratitude, and love came in her final breaths. The house was quiet; my sister and I were the only ones there at the time. Thank God my sister was there, as she was able to recognize the signs, which ensured that we were by her side and she didn’t leave this earth alone. As much as I was praying that these weren't her last moments; trembling, shaking, and immensely terrified - God gave me the strength to be able to comfort her, and reassure her that she didn't have to fight any longer. She knew that I was there, and she knew that up until her last breath (and for eternity) that I loved her. It's not how I would have chosen to give back to her, to repay her for everything she had done for me, but I am so blessed that God gave me that opportunity to finally SHOW her what she meant to me.

It never gets easy! Loss/death/cancer is something that I have been deeply connected to, almost my entire life ,and yet - it never ceases to take my breath away when I go through it with someone I love. For anyone, everyone, who has experienced a loss - you know that for every loved one that you lose, they take a piece of you with them. The hole that is left doesn't go away, it just changes with time. At first the wound is open, raw, bleeding, but as the body is perfectly designed to do, the wound heals and leaves behind a scar. Sometimes that scar is sensitive to the touch, or sometimes the scar is reopened, and sometimes it is just there to remind you of your loved one. Just like with hardship, and having a choice at how we look at our situations - experiencing loss we have the same choice in how to look at our scars. We can look at them with sadness and remember all of the pain and hurt we experienced - OR - we can look at them as badges of honor and the cost we paid to love someone!

The unfortunate thing about life is that death is the only thing we are certain of. However, even in that certainty - it still takes us all by surprise and carries with it a great burden. Life isn't meant to be easy, or without loss - but we can find the sweet sorrow through it when we can focus on the moments of joy, love, and memories that we shared with our loved ones. As much as I miss both of my moms (and my dad), I don't think I would change anything about my life - because through their deaths I have been able to love greatly and deeply. I am able to understand the meaning of love, because I have experienced the great sense of loss.

To anyone out there who has lost someone they loved, or is in the process of losing someone they love, this post is for you. My hope is that you too can find sweet sorrow in your pain and that you can look at your scars knowing that you loved deeply and wear those badges proudly. I hope that this post, my journey, is able to help someone who is struggling right now with being able to see the joy in the midst of your pain. It takes time, it's a process -- but know that you aren't alone and that it will get better (not easier, just different and better). Don't be afraid to love because you are afraid to lose.

This post is dedicated and in memory of my second mom & the best grandmother in the world. How blessed I am to have had you!! I think of you each and every day and know that you are with us -- especially at all of Shane's games, cheering him on and always his #1 fan. We miss you terribly!!!

My deepest love & admiration for all of you,

<3 Kristin